Dear Dot,

My advice to you: Don't knock it till you've tried it. Banality Tuesday coming right up.

Atleast, it would be if i knew exactly what banality meant. Besides, it wasn't exactly dancing as such, more... swaying about trying now to fall over/look too spasticated. Anyway, obviously an EXTREMELY appealing look for some. As i say... don't knock it till you've tried it.

Glad you've settled in up at the wilderness. When are you meant to be getting home, anyway? Speaking of which, my friend i mentioned who is coming to stay, arrives next week. The one i met in America. Too bad you wont get to meet her, she's pretty tops. Anyway, i was wondering if she could sleep in your bed? I know i told you NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES to let anyone EVER EVER EVER sleep in my bed, but i know you're a lot less up-tight about these sorts of things that i am... If not, it doesn't matter... i'll put her in the spare room. But let me know.

Have you got the camera cord yet? Does your mum know where to find it?

No, haven't returned the library book yet. Is that bad? I'll do it on the weekend. It's cold and dark early here now, so the whole walking every night thing kinda died in the arse after the first night.

As for the bills - not sure. I'm evidently not doing a very good job at bills at the moment, as i today realised that my mobile has been barred. (hear that keeks?) Good news for the universe as the weekend approaches.

Have i re-decorated? Oh-ho-ho! There's a surprise waiting for you when you get home... JUST YOU WAIT!

In other news, i didn't get the job i applied for... probably over my head anyway, but i'm signifficantly disappointed, none-the-less. So much so, that i finally drunk those three beers that have been in the fridge for months. All in a row. Just now. And now i'm feeling a lot better/worse about the whole situation, really.

So i'm having a crisis. WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW? I said to Marge tonight that perhaps i'd just give up on the whole having a life thing, and go and have babies. She didn't even notice how offensive the statement actually was, which amused me.

So now i feel like i have no options. i need you here to be slightly drunk with me and come to my pity party... and with any luck, point out the plethora of options that haven't occurred to me.

Hey get this; Marge went with her friend to an over 28's nightclub in Sunshine last week. SUNSHINE! OVER 28's! Anyway, the friend who looks like a hat full of arseholes managed to find four separate dudes to pash. FOUR! Now that's the final frontier.

Keep on truckin'
Mars

Dear Mars,

Pashing the boss? Dancing? Blog stalking? 31 comments on a single post? When can I expect 'banality Tuesday'?

I am liking my job a lot, and when I'm not at work I get to go swimming at Little Waterfall. I left my camera-computer-connecter-cord at home but Mum is sending it up so I can show you some photos soon.

Have you returned my library book? Do I owe you any money for bills? Have you re-decorated? Please don't.

Love Dot

Flex says i have a *special* type of humour i keep all to myself.

Is this true?

If so, do you think it can be bottled?

Furthermore, is there a gap in the market-place?

I'm a bit skint, you see.

My blogging nemesis: Original Mel.

She's just like me, only better in every way. If i didn't like her style so much, i'd frigging hate her.

Where is this coming from, you may ask... Almost certainly that is a question OMel would be contemplating... And the answer may or may not be coming; i haven't decided yet.

Onwards...

I don't know how the hell i found her blog, but i have been around from the very beginning when the blog was still orange (which i liked better)... oh yes, i've been around. Anyway, i was kinda miffed when she didn't address me directly when responding to that first comment and rather, just called me "a comment!! A COMMENT"... I may have been somewhat over-sensitive.

So i boycotted her blog for a while in protest. Did anyone notice?

Yeah, but then i went back... at first it was totally on the sly, not commenting or admitting my presence... and then i started to like her again - i just couldn't help myself. So this went on for ages, right... and i was still quite convinced that she'd never given a shite about checking out things around D&M and i couldn't understand why. I mean, we are goddam freakin' awesome, right?

So things in our (ahem) relationship progressed and i started to occasionally comment on there. Which is when i realised why i'd been resisting her blog for so long.

I'm jealous. Dead jealous.

Firstly, she can compose a blog post much better than me
And more frequently than me
She is clearly smarter than me with a better paying job
She uses words i don't know the meaning of!
She could drink me under the table
And then come up with a heaps better story to tell her friends
She owns (well, has) her flat and i has nothing
Now she's heading off over-seas with an actual job lined up
An interesting job, no less
She rides a fucking motorbike
And has a crapper-load of friends

And that's why she's my nemesis. All those reasons, and probably more.

Anyway, i'm almost ready to accept this fact as last week came an all time high in my blogging career (ahem) when OMel said, and i quote... "I heart Mars"

And i nearly fell off my fucking chair.

THE FUCK? She knows i exist?

So anyway OMel, keep up the good blogging work and i'll try not to be too bitter and twisted about how much better you are than me.

This is just a tribute.

Was out tarting again last night, doing my thang on the dance floor... things are whurring and buzzing around me - everything is in order.

Then i notice this dude checking out my situation. So just like i do; i look the other way and ignore him.

But he's not so easily put off. He comes over...

Him: Wanna dance?

Mars: NUP!

Him: *goes and dies*

I CAN ONLY ASSUME.

Anyway, then i get to thinking... that may have been a bit harsh. I mean, i didn't even check out if he was good looking. So i go to try and find him, but i don't know which one he is; they all look the same.

And now i'm wondering if i've just slapped my desitiny in the face. WHAT IF HE WAS MY HUSBAND?

Tres distressed.

Question for the ages:

Which reality teevee star do i love more?

or

I just don't know.

Tomorrow is Harmony Day, whatever that is. So the powers that be at work have decided to celebrate our diversity. Yeah. Anyway, so you're encouraged to wear tradtional dress up or something to celebrate your religion or some such wank. THEN (in addition to advertising "what you are") you have to bring in some foodstuffs of your nationality or heritage or WHATEVER for morning tea.

GREAT.

Anyway, i'm not all that creative, so i ring my friend Marge (mother of three) and ask what to do. We (she) come up with this:

TOTALLY OZ.

So tell your friends that the trophy wife in training (me) has been up ALL NIGHT baking cup-cakes that have come out looking like giant blobs of snot.

And you know what else...

I don't have anything to wear, so i'm going as "an Australian" and wearing whatever the fuck i would otherwise wear.

BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HARMONY DAY SHITE ANYWAY?

So they can stick my green finger where-ever it fits.

Dear Dot,

Haven't you got like, SHIT TO DO OR SOMETHING?

Fuck man, you're so fucking stupid. FUCK.

No cup-cakes for you.

Mars

Dear Mars,

I arrived in Darwin fine and got picked up from airport straight away. No worries. But thanks for caring.

It turns out my boss here is Irish so I bizarrely found myself celebrating St Patricks day on Saturday with about 15 other balandas (non-Aboriginal people). We danced Irish jigs, ate stew and drank Guiness. My goodness!

Can you please return that library book I lent you? It goes to the local library, good excuse for a walk.

Love Dot

PS - MARS SUCKED HER BOSS'S FACE OFF!!

PPS - MARS IS AT WORK RIGHT NOW AND POWERLESS TO CHANGE MY POST

PPPS - anyway, it goes against the spirit of this blog to go changing other people's posts i reckon. hands off.

I was watching the Biggest Loser tonight, as i like to do... and suddenly got totally inspired! (raer)

So i waddled myself up to Safeway.

And bought donuts!

Only joking.

Or am i...?

I am, relax.

I bought all this healthy stuff for me to eat for lunch tomorrow, and dinner tonight. But now it's so goddamed late, i don't know if it's still acceptable to eat dinner, and wonder if i'd be better off with Cruskits.

Ah, the details of my life... FASCINATING.

I'm also thinking of going off the booze to help my ever-expanding cause, given that i think i killed another 10% of my brain cells this weekend.

But i like the booze.

Although i am an irresponsible train-wreck, at times.

Speaking of irresponsible train-wreck; my job (career?). I got an interview for the job i applied for later on this week.

I might get that job. Or probably i might not.

Either way, i'm going to endure yoghurt tomorrow.

FASCINATING.

Four years ago, while living in Ireland, i had one of the most full on and best weeks of my life, ending with the highlight; St Patrick's Day. I was living with my friend, Paris, from home while in Ireland and i had two other friends who were living in Scotland at the time come over for the week. Paris and i also had two boy friends we used to go out with all the time, who were also Australians living in Dublin and they had a couple of friends of their own staying. So, the Australian contingent in Dublin was duely present and accounted for.

Now i dunno if this week was actually as good as i remember it being, or if i've glorified the event in my mind... probably the latter. Anyway, each year as many of the eight of us who were in Ireland on Paddy's Day 2003 try to get together and re-live the glory days.

And never to this day, has St Patrick's Day lived up to my expectations.

This year was no exception.

Yeah, i went to an Irish pub which had a pretty sweet set-up... yeah, there were heaps of people around i knew (although none of the original eight this year!) to get boozed up with... the atmosphere was pretty good, U2 was blaring.. there were plenty of cute Irish boys around to woo me with their lovely accent.

But i just wasn't feeling it.

So in true spirit of the occasion, i got really legless drunk.

But i still wasn't feeling it.

So i went home. Disappointed.

And have therefore come to the conclusion that; St Partick's Day (week) is only actually good in Ireland. Anywhere else and you're wasting your time... So that's it for me, i'm outta.

Dear Dot,

Did you arrive okay?
Did the dude remember to pick you up from the airport in the middle of the night?
DO YOU MISS ME?

I thought about staying in bed this morning and giving work a miss... but i'm nothing if not predictable, so off i trundle.

No news as yet but i'll keep you posted.

Stay frizzy,
Mars

UPLATE UPDATE - straight after i posted this i went back to bed so there was no trundling today. Just didn't want to mislead anyone!

Dot and Mars – Can be stopped?

I’m leaving again. Got a job in Arnhem Land for two months. Catching flight tomorrow. Not so stupid after all. Hooray. Anyway!

I’m worried.

Mars doesn’t like to be left alone.

So I’m wondering if maybe I could find a few volunteers to come over and sit with her for awhile?

Job description: basically you have to play ‘Lou’ to her ‘Andy’.

Required:

• Must have high tolerance for Little Britain jokes
• Must not wake early on weekends
• Must never sit on right side of the couch (that’s Mars’s side, she’s got all her stuff piled up on the coffee table within easy reach and she gets pissed if you force her to sit anywhere else)
• Must never flush the toilet or run the tap when she is in the shower
• Must not tap toothbrush loudly on sink (she REALLY hates this one)
• Must never remove DVD from DVD player and make Mars loose 'her place'
  
• Must not laugh at her when she cuts up raw meat with a knife and fork
• Must not drink her wine (Yes Mars, I owe you one bottle… it’s on the record now)
• Must remember to take the bins out on Wednesday night
• Must be home to receive phone calls on Friday nights from Mars asking you to go pick her up from the station because she drunk too much and ‘isn’t going to make it’

Desirable:

• Enjoy having a good bitch about people we've known for 10 years
• Anti-all-things-couple
• And Emo

Perks:

• Mars has a good computer with cable internet and a super hot hair straightner. She’s happy to share, but better ask first.
• Her boobs
  

Ciao!

I went to a party yesterday, and then we ate this...







HELLO VEGETARIANS!

You're glad this is a phone photo, trust me. The details were ew.

Melbourne has turned into such a wank.

I'm fucking sick of not being able to find places. Bars, restaurants, WHATEVER. At first, i thought it was pretty cool, these trendy little back street lanes where only those in the know could hang out, but tonight, it finally got the better of me and really pissed me off once and for all.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH A STREET NAME AND A NUMBER ON A BUILDING?

Freakin'.

I was out with a couple of friends on the weekend and we were going to go to this club we'd been to a couple of weeks earlier. We were taken by another friend the first time, so only vaguely recalled where it was. SO WE THOUGHT. Which led us to become part of the general population on the streets of the city that night, asking anyone who walked past where this club was.

NO-ONE KNEW WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.

So asking, wandering perplexed, asking some more... Then finally we struck it lucky and someone in the know said it had been shut down about three weeks ago.

KEEP UP - THINGS CHANGE.

Doesn't matter, thinks us... my friend had been to this better club the weekend before, and we should definitely go there now. All the way up the other end of the city - but proceed. So we're wandering about looking for this PLACE THAT DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST and, of course, no-one on the street we were asking had ever heard of it.

No-one! Not the punters, bouncers, taxi drivers, ANYONE.

Looking, looking, looking for this club that i was convinced didn't exsit when my tiny friend cracks, exasperated and says IT DOES FUCKING EXSIST, I WAS THERE LAST WEEKEND AND I'M GONNA FIND IT!

Determined.

Anyway, finally manage to get a taxi and we hop in and ask him if he knows where this place is. He thinks he does. Well fuck. You think you do? We take the chance and lo-and-behold, he takes us there and we're in.

TEN HOURS LATER.

End of story.

Related: I was looking for this damn bar tonight - and i'm CRAP with directions at the best of times - and i'm wandering aimlessly up the street... up and down... up and down... make a call... up and down...

Finally found it and it was pretty nice, but i'm jack of not being able to find places.

End of story.

ALSO, what the fuck is the go with this...



The little sing-song on the Melbourne Central clock started at FOUR MINUTES PAST SIX.

What the friggin hell is the point of that? This city is going to the dogs.

I'm outta.

confessions of an ex-deliqueen

i worked in various delicatessens for seven years. it was a messy, repetitive, thankless job. but it was handy employment while studying; good Sunday rates, paid holiday leave and, well, after seven years i owned the deli.

but last October i served one customer too many and snapped.

this particularly annoying guy used to come in every Saturday at 6.05pm and ask for his ham sliced up fresh. he always explained that the pre-sliced ham in the case was 'covered in bacteria' and it 'wasn't good enough' for him. so on this Saturday i had worked a particularly hard shift (it was just me and three fifteen-year-olds working) and i was about to go on break and i JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!

i told the guy i wouldn't slice his ham fresh and he could just buy it from the case like everyone else. we'd been really busy all day, selling HEAPS of ham, so the stuff in the case was only a couple of hours 'old' any way.

man: no, um, no. you see... i want it sliced fresh.
me: nope. sorry.
man: look, you don't seem to understand. i come in here every week...
me: I KNOW!
man: ...to get my ham sliced fresh. so, huh, would you just do it?
me: sorry, no.
man: look, i am THE CUSTOMER and i'm asking you do to this. you don't seem to understand that you HAVE TO DO IT.
me: i'm not doing it.
man: look, i've had problems with you before...
me: I KNOW!
man: do you not even care? you don't even care! you work in customer service and you DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CUSTOMERS!
me: I DON'T CARE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CARE! I'M NOT DOING IT FOR YOU EVER AGAIN BECAUSE I DON'T CARE!
man: YOU DON'T CARE!
me: I DON'T CARE! *quieter* ...because you're an idiot...
man: WHAT?
me: nothing.
man: that's it. i'm getting the manager.

while the man went off the get the manager i told the fifteen-year-olds in the deli i was going to dinner. i left the supermarket and drove home for my hour break. i knew i didn't want to go back EVER but, after two hours, decided i really should finish the shift seeing as i was closing up. i went back. the managers had all gone home by this stage and the duty manager, bless him, DIDN'T CARE EITHER.

i finished the shift. the fifteen-year-olds tiptoed around me, for once being super helpful and obedient. they were scared i'd flip out on them again. i handed in my resignation the next day and never went back.

that was the end of my deli career. i started telling this story because i was inspired by Little Britian's 'computer says no' style customer service to confess all the dodgy things i've done in the name of bad service of the years. but i'll save that story for next time, and my only confession for now is simply: i worked in customer service and i didn't care.

Fuck.

12 Percentage of total brain cells lost last night
9 Glasses of free wine inhaled
2 Free beers consumed
2 Fights i almost found myself in (yelling, not punching - it's more klassy)
48 Tid-bits of interesting office information found out
2 Interesting office tid-bits divulged
1 Lung completely destroyed
1 Mention of David Hicks
4 Middle-Australians speaking their oh-so well informed voice on said topic
1 Number of death stares given to someone doing the Aussie, Aussie, Aussie
1 Colleague came out of the closet
14 Annoying phone calls or text messages sent
1 Numbers i've had to delete from my phone to protect the innocent party from myself
2 Copies of Little Brittain lent to me yesterday
2 Copies of Little Brittain subsequently lost at the pub
1 Library book.. uh.. misplaced
1 Old work friend who turned up and i luuuurve!
3 People i really pissed off
1 Person who really pissed me off
1 Going away party i went to but don't remember anything about being there
1 Marriage proposal from dashingly good looking Scots-man
1 Dashingly good-looking Scots-man pashing my friend
0 Times i fell over (w00t!)
40 Dollars wasted in a taxi
11 Time i was asleep by


And the feeling i've got this morning is getting less and less priceless, to be honest.