31 December 2008

The one good thing I have to say about Middle America...*

Just got back from two weeks in Middle America. It was nice to get out of New York and do some house-time; watching tv, sitting in front of a fake fireplace, playing with a real dog, being fed too much by mother-in-law, saying 'Amen' a lot and not meaning it... Still, as much as I love the mountains of Middle America and am happy the former red state recently turned blue, that's not enough for me to ever ever ever ever ever ever consider moving to the land of bible-bashing conservative bigoted blobs of blah!

There are lovely people in Middle America. And I feel kinda guilty hating on them collectively because I met many individuals who said they were praying for me. Still, as a mass the people of this little-big-town are a narrow-minded bunch who love to hate on the homeless, yet pity the "working poor". They think environmentalists are "radically liberal", and yet owning a gun keeps you grounded. They drive big trucks and fight over the difference between a 'jeep' and an 'SUV'. They... They...

Okay, I'm generalising a lot. However, to understand the special place the man I married grew up in I'll point out a few city-defining landmarks:

The United States Olympic Training Center: Nothing offensive about sports and patriotism.

United States Airforce Academy, and numerous airforce and army bases: Lots of shaved-headed military men (and women) hanging about the mall. When our flight arrived the flight attendant actually made the announcement, "Welcome home all returning servicemen! Please everyone give them a round of applause!" Of course 'Support Our Troops' bumper stickers are a favourite in town.

The New Life Church: Evangelical Christians love to love Middle America, and this megachurch (with more than 10,000 members) represents the biggest and the best of the happy-clappers in town. In 2007 the founder of this Church, Ted Haggard, was exposed as having enjoyed the services of a male escort for the past three years. He also liked doing meth. He resigned.

NORAD: A 'secret' bunker built in Cheyanne Mountain during the Cold War. This is where the president will hang-out when the nuclear apocalypse happens. This is also where the film 'War Games' was set.

Gosh, gosh, gosh... JESUS, OH MY GOD. I never say 'fuck' and I rarely say 'shit', so it was quite difficult being in a place where my strongest profanities - God, Jesus, Goddamn, Jesusbutt - were actually a lot more offensive than normal.

Anyway, Middle America sucks. I'm home.

Jesusbutt to the stinking selfish right-wing gun-crazy loons of America! And happy new year NYC and Mr Obama!

* A magnum of Yellowtail in Middle America costs ten bucks! Value.

29 December 2008

19 December 2008

Dot and Mars: Reunion Special

It's been over a year and a couple of oceans since i last saw Dot, until this week. That's right - against any good reasoning or advice given to me about perhaps not putting a holiday to New York on a credit card; here i am.

Seeing Dot again was like seeing your mum. You're always really happy to see your mum, but it never takes very long to start getting annoyed by her and snappy, remembering why you ran away to a new land in the first place... aw, no that's not entirely true. I guess there's a certain familiarity Dot and i have with each other which makes it acceptable to give each other a death stare, an exasperated sigh, a passive aggressive comment or a scathing snap.

And as i sit here in Dot's apartment, listening to Dot's music, typing on Dot's computer, reflecting on a brilliant five days in New York City... i really am glad that although the last year has bought us such different experiences, and we haven't been particularly diligent in keeping in touch, i am fairly confident that our friendship hasn't really suffered for it.

So thanks for having me Dot - i hope one day soon i can return the favour!

09 December 2008

Oh Internet!

It has happened again, and i've found myself living with yet ANOTHER fucking moron. After living with four certifiable morons earlier this year (which i really didn't have the energy to write about), i have moved into a flat with another special individual.

This individual was born a Catherine, but since changed her name to something thoroughly ridiculous, so ridiculous that i actually can't even call her by that name and instead just begin conversation with her, or refer to her as 'my housemate' or 'LL'.

Before i moved in here, i obviously came to meet LL and have a look around... saw the flat, reasonably priced and in the presitgous M1 postcode, 10 min walk to work and into town... i could have been living with rats and i still would have wanted to move in. When i met LL, she told me she had ME. Not having much knowledge of ME, i didn't think it'd be that much of an issue to me, so didn't really give it another thought.

I've been here two months now, and honestly came into this whole scenario with an open mind. I didn't really know what ME was, how it effected people or to what extent. I have read a bit (ok, i read wikipedia) about it on the internet, and now understand. I know it's a legitimate illness and that suffers are given a hard time and told they have 'yuppie flu' and such. That said, i think i have moved in with the most indulgent sufferer of ME ever. This individual does nothing to help her cause, and it's starting to effect my lifestyle.

She is also a lesbian. Which is fine, again, not something which would effect me. But she's one of those annoying individuals which let one certain characteristic define their personality. Like people with really really long hair - it's always something they are insanely proud of, a talking point and it becomes a defining part of their persona. Anyway, i find LL a really annoying lesbian, in that ALL her friends are also lesbians. WHY? It's just annoying. All the books she reads and movies she watches are, i dunno, gay. So you root women? Big deal! Get another fucking interest!

Anyway, so now i've introduced you to this 'character' you will have to stay tuned for more fun stories about LESBIAN PARTIES IN MY HOUSE ALL FUCKING NIGHT WHEN I HAVE TO WORK THE NEXT DAY. Etc and so forth.

08 December 2008

Dear Mars,

So you're too good for the Lion King? Maybe Audrey and I will just see it without you then. I'm not ashamed to admit I like Disney mush, puppets and Elton John.

Anyway, I still think we should see a 'show' so I've done some research into Mars-friendly productions. Please take your pick:

Equus (Broadway)
Daniel Radcliffe takes his clothes off and dry humps a real horse. And it's got Rachael Griffiths in it!

All My Sons (Broadway)
I saw John Lithgow in the supermarket last week, and now we can all see him in this 'bold, modern and emotionally wrenching' (TimeOut New York) melodrama. And it's got a 'somewhat stiff' Katie Holmes in it!

Hairspray (Broadway)
A bold, modern and emotionally wrenching examination of racial segregation in 1960s Baltimore.

Billy Elliot (Broadway)
It's got the drama and the dance.

Spring Awakening (Broadway)
This is my pick. A musical about sex in 19th century Germany. How can that be? The New York Times explains:

...in exploring the tortured inner lives of a handful of adolescents in 19th-century Germany, this brave new musical, haunting and electrifying by turns, restores the mystery, the thrill and quite a bit of the terror to that shattering transformation that stirs in all our souls sometime around the age of 13, well before most of us have the intellectual apparatus in place to analyze its impact. “Spring Awakening” makes sex strange again.

I'm still having trouble imaging it, which is why I want to see it.

The Nutcracker (New York City Ballet)
A revolting show about a Mouse King who eats toy soldiers with a nutcracker.

Don Giovanni (The Met Opera)
Don Giovanni is a cad who gets what's coming to him. Find out how and see the opera!

La Boheme (The Met Opera)
Puccini's most phat opera... I've always wanted to see this one! At the moment my 'La Boheme' knowledge comes from the soundtrack for a 'Room With a View'. This is embarassing.

(BTW: If we see anything at the Met it'd be best if you can assemble some kind of student card so we can get the cheap seats.)

Tell me if any of these interest you and I'll get tickets!

- Dot

P.S. YES I can meet you at the airport. There is a small chance I'll have to stay home to meet the people we are subleting apartment to over Christmas. Blane says he will do this job, however if he has to go to work then I'll have to do it. Anyway, anyway... at this stage it's fine and I'll meet you.