31 December 2008

The one good thing I have to say about Middle America...*

Just got back from two weeks in Middle America. It was nice to get out of New York and do some house-time; watching tv, sitting in front of a fake fireplace, playing with a real dog, being fed too much by mother-in-law, saying 'Amen' a lot and not meaning it... Still, as much as I love the mountains of Middle America and am happy the former red state recently turned blue, that's not enough for me to ever ever ever ever ever ever consider moving to the land of bible-bashing conservative bigoted blobs of blah!

There are lovely people in Middle America. And I feel kinda guilty hating on them collectively because I met many individuals who said they were praying for me. Still, as a mass the people of this little-big-town are a narrow-minded bunch who love to hate on the homeless, yet pity the "working poor". They think environmentalists are "radically liberal", and yet owning a gun keeps you grounded. They drive big trucks and fight over the difference between a 'jeep' and an 'SUV'. They... They...

Okay, I'm generalising a lot. However, to understand the special place the man I married grew up in I'll point out a few city-defining landmarks:

The United States Olympic Training Center: Nothing offensive about sports and patriotism.

United States Airforce Academy, and numerous airforce and army bases: Lots of shaved-headed military men (and women) hanging about the mall. When our flight arrived the flight attendant actually made the announcement, "Welcome home all returning servicemen! Please everyone give them a round of applause!" Of course 'Support Our Troops' bumper stickers are a favourite in town.

The New Life Church: Evangelical Christians love to love Middle America, and this megachurch (with more than 10,000 members) represents the biggest and the best of the happy-clappers in town. In 2007 the founder of this Church, Ted Haggard, was exposed as having enjoyed the services of a male escort for the past three years. He also liked doing meth. He resigned.

NORAD: A 'secret' bunker built in Cheyanne Mountain during the Cold War. This is where the president will hang-out when the nuclear apocalypse happens. This is also where the film 'War Games' was set.

Gosh, gosh, gosh... JESUS, OH MY GOD. I never say 'fuck' and I rarely say 'shit', so it was quite difficult being in a place where my strongest profanities - God, Jesus, Goddamn, Jesusbutt - were actually a lot more offensive than normal.

Anyway, Middle America sucks. I'm home.

Jesusbutt to the stinking selfish right-wing gun-crazy loons of America! And happy new year NYC and Mr Obama!

* A magnum of Yellowtail in Middle America costs ten bucks! Value.


Femikneesm said...

Thos bumper stickers are terrifying. Terrifying.

Mars said...

you should make a collection of all your bumper sticker photos and exhibit them! either that, or you could like... wall paper your toilet with them or something.

kiki said...

aren't they like arts degrees; toilet paper?

audrey said...

Ah, magnums....how we heart thee...