28 February 2010

Question: How shit are blokes?

I've always been single, as long as I can remember - my whole adult life... ever since I've been me. And over the years i've phased in and out of desperate obession over finding 'the one' (any one!) to genuine disregard for all things carrying a doodle; apathy towards them, gross cynicism at the thought of any relationship, outright contempt even, in some situations.

And i guess the only real explanation i can give for these mood swings is that they have been dependant on my headspace at the time. If life is going well and i'm happy - men? who needs em! When things are a bit poo - where is he?! If he were here, my life wouldn't be so shit. AND SO ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON.

Anyway, after a somewhat turbulent six months or so, i have really chilled the fuck out about the whole scenario... it will happen eventually (surely!), you cant rush true love, but i guess you can be open towards suggestion... which is the approach i'm taking at the moment.

I've always considered internet dating the absolute final frontier; something you do when you're outta real life ideas... i mean, if you cant find someone on the internet - and let's face it, everyone's on the internet - where to from there? You're screwed. And i've never wanted to use my last chance, my get out of jail free card... just yet.

BUT, a friend of mine has been trawling the internet dating sites, and although she's not found anyone she's happy to settle down with, she's had a reasonable amount of success in finding dates and meeting new people, which i guess is as much as you can really ask from the things. And it is this particular scenario which has perked my curiosity - so... never one to ever be left behind by the crowd, i wrote a ridiculous profile thing about the enjoyment i get from eating beetroot and cheese (though not at the same time unless in a hamburger), put up the first picture i came across and with a more than generous pinch of salt, joined the dating site.

I know, i'm embarrassed for me too.

My findings so far are that a lot of people take this shopping for a 'life partner' very seriously. Personally, i find it all a bit gross - a highly judgemental business, just flicking through people's pictures (the ones they've so carefully chosen - there's me with my dog, there's 'wacky' me, there's me out for beers with my mates, there's me at the top of a mountain, there's me on holiday in thailand) and dismissing an entire person on the way he's got his socks pulled up too high, his collar popped or - if you've really giving him a chance and he's passed the scathing picture testing and you actually read his profile - you're presented with an absolute plethora of things to pick wrong with him... He can't tell there from their from they're, his favourite movie is the Shawshank Redemption, he loves pets, he brags that he 'doesn't really read' - the list goes on...

Anyway, the point of this story is to basically say that i guess i'm not doing it right (story of my life!)... i did the profile, added the photo and the next step was to send little pre-forma messages to people. So i chose about six of the twenty profiles i looked at (all with pictures, of course) and sent them a 'kiss'; You sound really interesting, i think we have a lot in common.

Who knows if we really do have anything in common - basically what i was saying was - you can spell, and i like the look of your picture - do you like the look of my picture and find my profile similarly pleasing on a completely superficial level, also? And well, turns out THEY DON'T as i got FOUR rejections! FOUR!!!!! Out of six!!!! And the other two never even replied!

Day after day my inbox had another pre-forma remark from one of these four anomalies; I wish you well in your search, but i dont think it would work out between us'. HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THIS?! And i'd deleted these with greater vigour and disgust each day. The system is obviously flawed - i know for a fact i'm not that bad.

And therefore...

Answer: Infinity