01 December 2010

Dear Dottie,

Long time no hear, hope you have not been met with any bother while in Korea.

Anyway, you missed a great party - Kiki got married to Aphrodite on the weekend and I was reminded of two things:

1. the existence of this blog...

i've been reading through a whole heap of old stuff and FUCK! what a tedious, whinging bitch i am!

and also...

2. this haiku you wrote only three short years ago

30 October 2007

yo aphrodite,
rooting kiki? too bad he's...
got the yogurt dick.

(dedicated to Mars as her worlds collide)

It's really sweet, and still so relevant.

Come home soon for a visit will you, its been a year since the warm handshake.

Love you on Wednesdays

Marsy xxx

16 August 2010

*tap tap tap*

Is this thing still on?

Hi there! I'm Mars, of the formally semi-famous, semi-fabulous and almost completely inept bloggers, Dot and Mars duo.

Dot thinks we should delete the blog... but i still have stuff to say. SO MUCH STUFF TO SAY.

Will try to be better and say it soon.

06 April 2010

I've taken a new tactic in the Hunt for a Husband (1999-)2010.

Found this ring in amongst my belongings over the weekend that looks a bit like an engagment ring. So I'm wearing it on my ring finger to see if that brings about any change to the current trend of tumbleweeds.

Will report back with findings.

05 April 2010

Thank God!

16 March 2010


Before you ask: I didn't get the job.

Have not been officially told this yet however I did overhear boss today (I volunteer at organization one day a week) calling someone else's references.

How can I not get a job I have already been doing for free for two months?!?!?!

Oh well. If I was happy in my career (and you were happy in love), we wouldn't be Dot and Mars, would we?

09 March 2010

My new venture...

08 March 2010

Right. It's 0119 hours, Monday 08 March and i'm on the internet dating site again, poking around. What i'm now wondering is what i'm up against... Y'know, who are these chicks?

My friend said to me (bless her) after the FOUR!!! rejections, that maybe these blokes all think i am out of their league so they didn't bother with me. I did laugh at the time, but now i'm wondering who exactly is in my league.

I had a look at the other girls my age and let's face it, they're as thoroughly standard as I am. One thing i have noticed though is that i am getting a lot of interest from older dudes - so now I wonder if my pool (27-33 year olds) are all after the 19-24 year olds. Of course they are! Who am i kidding? Who wants a frumpy almost 30 year old with a bit of life experience under her belt and those annoying standards and expectations of you, when you could have a giggling, firm, 22 year old?

No one, that's who.

Anyway, i have proof of none of this but i am looking to further investigate my theory and to find out what my league is. Where do i belong, internet?

Would it be completely wrong to set up as a profile as a man just to see where it's all at? Just for research - promise.

04 March 2010

What's shitting you today, Mars?

We all know my somewhat checkered past where housemates are concerned, correct? Basically, I have lived with over 30 people in my time and have ended up passionately hating every single one of them except for two. This is not a good ratio.

So, when looking for my latest victim, I thought I was being scrupulous, wary even, having learned from lessons passed.

No Emos
No lesbians
No one who never leaves the house
No one who has a pet
No one with a debilitating 'illness'
No unemployed
No dirty, lazy, noisy
No bossy
No vegetarians
No Christians

But I was rushed into moving out of the pars house and appear to have made an error in judgement. It would appear that I have moved in with someone who has a perpetually present, imp of a boyfriend.


My (official) housemate is actually really nice, I like her a lot and i'm trying to just GET A FUCKING LIFE! and not let Impy bother me. But last night, it did bother me... She wasn't even home and and he turned up about half past 10. I heard knocking on the front door while I was in the shower, and figured it could only be one person... so I carried on with my shower, hoping he'd think no one was home and just LEAVE.

But alas, he was not to be deterred! I left him knocking on that front door for 15 minutes, long after I'd finished my shower... I hid out in the bathroom (which you can see the door of from the front door) for ages... Eventually I got sick of being held captive in my own bathroom and went to exit the bathroom and had no choice but to let him in. So in he came, went and turned the tv and a/c on, made himself something to eat then went and had a shower.

This wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't happen every day... I really am TRYING to be reasonable about this - I dont want to hate someone. Internet, you have to believe me for once.

28 February 2010

Question: How shit are blokes?

I've always been single, as long as I can remember - my whole adult life... ever since I've been me. And over the years i've phased in and out of desperate obession over finding 'the one' (any one!) to genuine disregard for all things carrying a doodle; apathy towards them, gross cynicism at the thought of any relationship, outright contempt even, in some situations.

And i guess the only real explanation i can give for these mood swings is that they have been dependant on my headspace at the time. If life is going well and i'm happy - men? who needs em! When things are a bit poo - where is he?! If he were here, my life wouldn't be so shit. AND SO ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON.

Anyway, after a somewhat turbulent six months or so, i have really chilled the fuck out about the whole scenario... it will happen eventually (surely!), you cant rush true love, but i guess you can be open towards suggestion... which is the approach i'm taking at the moment.

I've always considered internet dating the absolute final frontier; something you do when you're outta real life ideas... i mean, if you cant find someone on the internet - and let's face it, everyone's on the internet - where to from there? You're screwed. And i've never wanted to use my last chance, my get out of jail free card... just yet.

BUT, a friend of mine has been trawling the internet dating sites, and although she's not found anyone she's happy to settle down with, she's had a reasonable amount of success in finding dates and meeting new people, which i guess is as much as you can really ask from the things. And it is this particular scenario which has perked my curiosity - so... never one to ever be left behind by the crowd, i wrote a ridiculous profile thing about the enjoyment i get from eating beetroot and cheese (though not at the same time unless in a hamburger), put up the first picture i came across and with a more than generous pinch of salt, joined the dating site.

I know, i'm embarrassed for me too.

My findings so far are that a lot of people take this shopping for a 'life partner' very seriously. Personally, i find it all a bit gross - a highly judgemental business, just flicking through people's pictures (the ones they've so carefully chosen - there's me with my dog, there's 'wacky' me, there's me out for beers with my mates, there's me at the top of a mountain, there's me on holiday in thailand) and dismissing an entire person on the way he's got his socks pulled up too high, his collar popped or - if you've really giving him a chance and he's passed the scathing picture testing and you actually read his profile - you're presented with an absolute plethora of things to pick wrong with him... He can't tell there from their from they're, his favourite movie is the Shawshank Redemption, he loves pets, he brags that he 'doesn't really read' - the list goes on...

Anyway, the point of this story is to basically say that i guess i'm not doing it right (story of my life!)... i did the profile, added the photo and the next step was to send little pre-forma messages to people. So i chose about six of the twenty profiles i looked at (all with pictures, of course) and sent them a 'kiss'; You sound really interesting, i think we have a lot in common.

Who knows if we really do have anything in common - basically what i was saying was - you can spell, and i like the look of your picture - do you like the look of my picture and find my profile similarly pleasing on a completely superficial level, also? And well, turns out THEY DON'T as i got FOUR rejections! FOUR!!!!! Out of six!!!! And the other two never even replied!

Day after day my inbox had another pre-forma remark from one of these four anomalies; I wish you well in your search, but i dont think it would work out between us'. HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THIS?! And i'd deleted these with greater vigour and disgust each day. The system is obviously flawed - i know for a fact i'm not that bad.

And therefore...

Answer: Infinity

21 January 2010

The kcnshop virus attack!

At 6:08 this morning someone in Beijing with the IP address of hacked into my gmail! The sneaky little bugger then sent the following message to every single person I have ever emailed from my current account:

How is everything going?
I want to share something with you : http://www.kcnshop.com/
On this website ,you can find many new and origianl electronic
products .Because of New Year 2010, they are holding sales promotion
activity, all the product are sold at a discount.
And i have bought some products from this web, low cost and good
quality ,and the delivery is on time .
If you need some, visit this website . Hurry up,because the promotion
activity only keeps 1 month .
Hope everything goes well.

I am indignant, annoyed and a little bit amused. Firstly, I thought gmail was invincible. How could google let this happen?!?!?! It is disappointing to learn that the grand poo-bah of tech companies is only human after all. And possibly not even that.

My inbox is currently junked up with "delivery failed" messages, and buried amongst all this are a few real notes from friends. Most people are enjoying my embarrassment - haha, Dot has moved into the spamming business, good luck selling those "low cost and good quality" products! However, I have also received (so far) two lovely sincere messages from long lost friends (who both speak English as a second language) thanking me for the "good information". I am going to have to spend the next few days setting everyone straight...

I am not a spammer! Greetings!

PS - Remember Elaine, the girl I've been avoiding for two years which has really been quite easy because she lives in Tel Aviv? When my spam hit her inbox I got an automated out of office reply (good!), however the interesting thing about it is it was sent from Rabbi Elaine Solomon. How about that? She's now a rabbi.

08 January 2010

I've been home almost two months now, and as all penniless 28 year old gypsies do after they've been gallavanting all over the world - i've moved back in with my parents. And i'm going slowly insane.

I guess the main difference i'm noticing is that i appear to be reverting back into my teenage-self. Calls between upstairs and out in the backyard somewhere of MAAAAAAAAAAAH-UUUUM! echo through the suburbs.

So balance in the universe has once again been restored, and I am Kimmy again, more than ever.

And I hate it... but try as i might, i cant shake any of it.

02 January 2010

The anti-resolution list: a list of things i wont be doing in the new year.

First and foremost, let's get this out of the way and then move on - I wont be giving up smoking. I like it, and the phase will pass (just like all my other phases), so that's that.

I probably wont join a gym at any point

I have no intention of thinking positively or trying to be 'upbeat' - what can i say, it's just not me

I am probably not going to try any more at work than the bare minimum dictates

There's a good chance i wont update this blog with any more frequency

It's unlikely that i will learn to use the camera i just bought

I wont stop spying on people it only ever upsets me to spy on, on facebook

I wont lost 10kg

And i definitely wont be complaining any less than usual

However, in the words of my good friend Dot, Happy New Beer!