28 November 2006

A lady should be reserved and demure, it is not proper to talk or laugh loudly as it attracts negative attention


Right. Measures need to be taken. In the last two weeks, not only have i been called a Toolie, but after my truly outstanding performance at drinks after work on Friday, i have also been awarded the truly revered honour amongst my colleagues, of the Friday Night Fuckwit. I'm all class.



Things Mars is going to do to better herself (and to help find her first husband)

Stop swearing - most uncouth
Exceptions:
Road rage
Injury
Small out-bursts (occasionally) in private permitted

Stop getting legless drunk - it might seem fun at the time, but this sort of behaviour isn't going to attract a gainfully employed husband

Work on having a less aggressive and overall obnoxious personality
(if at all possible)

Stop declaring to the world that you're looking for your first husband
They don't get the joke
You will be introduced to your first husband as indicated in the picture. You will not find your husband and father of your un-born children by roaring around a pub proclaiming "my friend met her husband here! where's my husband? are you my husband? WHERE'S MY HUSBAAAAAAAND?!!" etc. and so forth

Walk properly. No slumping.


No snorting - Irrespective of how funny the joke was

Brush hair daily

Learn to cook, clean and become otherwise domesticated

No rolling of eyes or use of sarcasm

Eat more than one meal daily - this will surely make for more delicate portion sizes


Well, i think this list is a good start.

Done by Mars

28 comments:

Mr. Mitch said...

You probably could have condensed that whole post into "suck the fun out of life"

Don't let the man (or lack of) get you down mars!

Mars said...

you can't teach an old dog new tricks, mr mitch! probably i wont do any of that list.

my friend (who i blame as my bad influence) are trying not to swear as much though, that's for real... as for the rest...meh!

DelightfulJen said...

Mars, please DON'T stop being hilarious :)

I wouldn't mind finding a husband fairly soon, I am quite keen to continue my life of leisure at someone else's expense :P

Cooking is actually pretty easy once you give it some time. I never used to be able to cook but now I can do a pretty alright job of it. If I can do it, you totally can!

I hear it's also super attractive if you fly to brisbane around the 16th December. I mean, I'm not a boy, but I have heard interstate travel is particularly hot.

kiki said...

can i add to the list??

Miss Natalie said...

You'll let me know if it works.

I swear too much - guess thats what happens when you work in the construction industry, oops

Sarcasm, whats wrong with that, really?

Chesty LaRue said...

No, no, no, no.

We here love you just the way you are, and any man you're going to want to be married to (even if only for 48 hours, Britney style) should to.

Besides, swearing and being generally uncouth is muchly fun.

Dave Mack said...

Stop murdering innocent birds and blamming it on "string".

Mars said...

jen, i'm hilarious to you? this is concerning. cooking is for chumps... if it's microwavable or toastable, it's edible. as for the 16th... well, i'll go if kiki comes.

keeks, you may add to the list

nat, not sure what's wrong with sarcasm as such... it just seemed like something a lady (whatever that is) wouldn't do.

chesty, you're too kind, too kind. i like your theory re: loving you just the way you are etc. s'pose i'll just keep looking, cause let's face it... the list is impossible.

mack, ffs.

Lulu said...

Oh god finding a husband sounds so dull...Especially for you Mars. You do not need a husband...if he is really really rich and old then ok, cos then he can die and you could have fun again on his money...

Wow, I am a really bad person.

I swear too much...
I can cook and clean and be domestic though.
I also need to stop getting legless drunk...not because I need to find a husband, more just because I am afraid my liver is disintigrating.

Mars said...

your liver is falling to bits? collateral damage, my friend.

ps no old husbands just for the sake of it! god... i might end up like poor old anna nicole. ewww..

Martie said...

BAHAHAHA

Did you just copy my list?

We did a 'princess' test at work the other day and three guys (one gay) scored higher than me as a princess.

Time for some serious soul-searching.

Or just maybe another drink

Mars said...

where is your list? so i guess no.. i didn't copy your list. this one is my very own.

More beer.

Ooh, another one for the list:
No more beer

Adam said...

How about the Keeks, the Dave of Mack and I conduct a workshop in a pub of the tools and processes to find a husband. Any young ladies are welcome to attend, however the cost is that you have to pay for drinks all night. More ladies in attendence means it will be cheaper for each.

Topics included:

Finding husband conduct
Humour
Conversational styles
Appearance
Times and Locations to use
Questions

kiki said...

with a special seminar on kiki's tips for approaching men

hey mars. it must really piss you off that you read these comments all day, yet you can't post your own!

Mars said...

Yes, keith it does...

but bypass filters are a wonderful thing if you can be bothered finding one...

actonb said...

Ladyness is highly overrated. And who wants a stuck-up husband with expectations...? No-one! Expectations are to be as low as possible, then everyone is pleasantly surprised...

Enny said...

I've tried to scale back the swearing (it lasted only a while, tho I'm using 'C-Dog' and 'EffEffEss' a lot more, but try as I might I CAN'T give up the snort!

Adam said...

And Enny, are you married?


Coincidence?

Enny said...

*bottom lip quivering*

*wonders if she's becoming the new steph**

*in a 'target' way, not an 'object of affection' way...

;o)

Mars said...

adam, i hardly think you, the mack man and keeks are panel quality...you'd just spend all night getting pissed and perving and all the other chicks. this is a terrible, terrible idea. CANNED!

as for kiki's tips though... that might be worth hearing.. hah!

it's funny you should say to lower my expectation actonb... my friend marge says the same. with such high expectations (like bathing and using actual words rather than grunting) i'm clearly doomed! quality advice.

enny, it's hard to give up the swearing... i am trying to stop using the c-word at all at least reduce using the fuck word a little bit. it slips out all the time though and i don't even notice...eek.

ARE YOU married, adam?

and... unlikely, enny..

kiki said...

hey marso

one thing i can do, is give good advice. like the other night when you called me, i gave you great advice to go to bed, but you didn't pay any drunken attention...

i'm also a good listener. too good, even.

Mars said...

that advice wasn't any good!

Adam said...

Yes, I'm like married to 5 people. I haven't actually gone through any of the ceremonies yet, but it's all in due course....

I owe it all to not snorting when I laugh. Everyone loves a non-snorter.

Adam said...

P.S) Mars, this whole Finding Your First Husband thing, do you actually have to get one and walk down the aisle or you can just be promised to a dude? 'Cos I can promise you to keeks. There you go, problem solved.

Adam said...

P.P.S) Can I be MC?

Mars said...

Adam, this plan is completely terrible. kiki and i are incompatible for several reasons.

1. he seems to have Liberal (big L) party leanings. i know, i can't beleive it either.
2. he actually already has a girlfriend (well, last i heard)
3. even if he didn't, he likes Dot way better than me anyway
4. i'm secretly in love with dave mack

etc. and so forth.

Adam said...

and me being MC?

Mars said...

a moot point, my friend!