A lady should be reserved and demure, it is not proper to talk or laugh loudly as it attracts negative attention


Right. Measures need to be taken. In the last two weeks, not only have i been called a Toolie, but after my truly outstanding performance at drinks after work on Friday, i have also been awarded the truly revered honour amongst my colleagues, of the Friday Night Fuckwit. I'm all class.



Things Mars is going to do to better herself (and to help find her first husband)

Stop swearing - most uncouth
Exceptions:
Road rage
Injury
Small out-bursts (occasionally) in private permitted

Stop getting legless drunk - it might seem fun at the time, but this sort of behaviour isn't going to attract a gainfully employed husband

Work on having a less aggressive and overall obnoxious personality
(if at all possible)

Stop declaring to the world that you're looking for your first husband
They don't get the joke
You will be introduced to your first husband as indicated in the picture. You will not find your husband and father of your un-born children by roaring around a pub proclaiming "my friend met her husband here! where's my husband? are you my husband? WHERE'S MY HUSBAAAAAAAND?!!" etc. and so forth

Walk properly. No slumping.

No snorting - Irrespective of how funny the joke was

Brush hair daily

Learn to cook, clean and become otherwise domesticated

No rolling of eyes or use of sarcasm

Eat more than one meal daily - this will surely make for more delicate portion sizes


Well, i think this list is a good start.

Done by Mars

Concerned.

The Libs were down at the station again this morning , along with their conservative mobile (not at all ironic that's it's a 4x4 and Big Ted's major shtick seems to be the water, water, water issue... not at all related to global warming and the excessive emissions (not to mention grossly inappropriate for city driving) this type of vehicle create. No.) But yes, this dude, Hartney has been out in force, and he seems pretty nice.

I've seen him up at the station, at the shops, there are Liberal Party banners and posters all over the place, and people have posters on sticks in their front yard.. Meanwhile, i don't even know the ALP local member's name!

Now before you all declare that this is merely a reflection on me, i'm not actually enrolled where i live, which is why the issue hasn't come up before now.

But i've seen no advertising from any of the other parties, i wouldn't even know if there was a Green or Independent in contention. And i'm loathe to say it, but this dude really deserves to win..

(Just looked up the ALP member and it's Janice Munt. I know her! She's been around for years, i think she came to see us when we were still at school...i thought her name was funny then, and interestingly, it's only mildly less funny now.)

Hmm... just looked at the boundaries for Mordialloc, and it appears we're on the wrong side of the highway to even be in that electorate. If that's the case, i have NO idea who's in the running. Problem solved, i suppose.

Not that i'm enrolled here anyway.

All i'm saying is that the Libs are the only ones campaigning, even if they're not my Libs, technically.


Done by Mars

This weekend, i was paid, quite possibly, the worst insult anyone has ever given to me. Call me fat, stupid, ugly, i've heard it all before... but this? This is an insult in the highest order.

On Friday night whist sipping my $1 champagnes in South Yarra, my friend happened to mention that she was thinking of going up to her holiday house in Philip Island over the weekend. This sounded like a pretty good idea to me, the weather was set to be nice, so i was in. There was a group of four of us (and a fucking dog, which will have to be a story for another time) who went down to the Island, just for Saturday night.

We got there pretty late in the afternoon, so delared it Wine Time stright away and we set to getting ready to go out. Had dinner at this pub somewhere... San Remo perhaps and then decided to go into Cowes to see what else was happening. So the four of us were standing at this ATM, waiting to get money out so we could go get some more drinks, when this P plater Commodore comes screaming up the main street of Cowes, packed with boys.

The thumping street machine flies past us and one of the boys is hanging out the window and yelling in our direction...

"something....something....muffled...blah...blah...TOOLIES!"

AT US.

The four of us were standing there perplexed for a moment, as we all watched this car zoom past us, and what they had said started to sink in a bit. We all then, temporarily, turned into our mothers and tried to figure out what a toolie was, exactly.

That established, we proceeded to use our fine powers of duduction and figured... well, if we're toolies... that must mean that there's some schoolies somewhere near by. Bloody brilliant!

We, again, turn into our mothers and wonder if school has finished already... "no? i can't have!" and how these things just seem to come about so fast these days etc..

A few minutes later it really started to sink in though. HANG ON A MINUTE! I'm not a toolie! And if i am, does that mean i'm...sniff...old?

OH GOD, I'M OLD!



So there you go. Me. A toolie.

Done by Mars

hot and bothered in Hell's Kitchen

i'm staying in a studio apartment (modern day tenement housing) in Hell's Kitchen (near Times Square), and it's damn damn hot in it. generally i find they heat the buildings too hot for me in North America, but this is the most ridiculously hot i've ever been in 26 years of experiencing different temperatures.

every time i enter the building i break out into a sweat, and by the time i've come up the stairs and entered the apartment i feel like i'm going to faint. so it's then this mad rush to strip down to my underwear and go stand by the OPEN window (i have to leave it open all the time). and sometimes i have a cold shower. and sometimes i've even resorted to turning the air-conditioning on.

anyway! so i was all hot and bothered tonight and it got to the point where i had trouble breathing. so i decided to take a walk.

about 15 minutes later i was starting to feel better when i noticed shop selling 'Soy Bundts!' having no idea what this was i wandering in for a peek and discovered a bundt is a little cake that looks like it's been cooked in a jelly dish.

i decided a bundt was not for me, and turned to leave the shop... at this point i noticed the one other customer in the shop looked very familiar. so very obviously i turned around to study the bundts some more... while slyly glancing at the man standing next to me.

the customer got his bundt and left.
the girl behind the counter asked me if i wanted anything.
'did that guy look familiar to you?' i asked
'yeah... he's in the Wedding Singer' she replied.
'oh my gawd! it's Constantine!' i blurted.

that's right, Constantine, the 'New York rocker' with smoldering glances from American Idol Fame, now staring in the Broadway musical The Wedding Singer as 'best man'... was buying a bundt!

i wish i had of said something to him. i knew he was in The Wedding Singer. that's it, if i see him again, he's mine.

anyway, so I brought a ‘pumpkin soy bundt’ and returned home from my walk more hot and bothered than ever.

done by Dot

So... not only is Kate Cebrano a completely crap singer, she also fraternises with the enemy.

Kiss me, kiss me, pash me..? GET FUCKED. And how 'bout you leave the wearing of the beret to us latte sippers.

Twats.



Done by Mars

yesterday it rained.

and rained. and rained. like heavy, constant, water... falling from the sky. it was amazing. i've never experienced so much rain in my life.

i was squelching around Soho in my Dunlop Volley's getting really wet, and it was dampening my spirits, so i took my first step towards assimilation and brought...

gumboots!

yes, it's New York chic to get around in a pair of gumboots (or 'rain boots' as they call them). i reckon at least one in every five girls i saw was wearing a pair, and they have all different cool colours and styles.

my gumboots are plain black, but have all these cool buckles on them. i love them and even wore them out to dinner with Blane's parents last night.


Done by Dot

Well, today has certainly been exciting in the way of news... I've been off work sick (fucking again!), so i'm all over the news coverage.

Two occurrences, which let's face it, were inevitable, finally happened...

Britney and K-Fed are finally getting divorced! This ship was sinking from the day it set sail, so it's no great surprise to anyone, i wouldn't have thought. Hallelujah, i hated that cretin much more than i ever hated that money grabbing whore-bag ahem, Britney.

and...

The Reserve Bank announces more interest rate rises. Hooray for the Reserve Bank and those multiple-property-owing bunch of baby boomers, ruining the world! (sorry mum, dad... but your generation is really bringing us down with your super pay-outs and refusal to change your ways and acknowlege that we have a bit of a problem with that "environment" thing.) So, TAKE THAT you bunch of Liberal voting bastards... the third interest hike this year. The joke's on you! I can't even afford to buy dinner, let alone a house... doesn't bother meeee!

And two other things that warm the cold, grey heart of little Mars...

Poor W, i feel really, really sorry for you. I think the term used to describe you was "a lame duck". This should slow you down you absolute fruit.

Also, possibly the BEST thing that's happened to me in a long time is about to happen... Hold on to your hats, kids and strap into your seats this Thursday at 9.30pm... the new season of the Amazing Race is about to begin! My god, i'm wetting myself in excitement. Bit sad that Dot can't be here to enjoy it with me, but oh well...her stupid fault for timing her holiday badly. What an idiot!!!

Done by Mars

Get this...

I'm going out in Frankston tonight.

Frankston!

Me!

What the hell does one wear to Frankston?





UP LATE UPDATE: Thankfully, i am missing the gene that makes it possible to rock out to cover bands. Those things should be illegal.

Fin

Done by Mars

This is what we're up against...

Done by Mars

Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark!

There's a dead mouse in my kitchen. Why does this have to happen not even two days after Dot leaves, and i'm here on my own? Why?!

Fucking fuck, fuck fucking fuck.

I can cope with dead bugs, but this is an animal, and it's still got eyes that are open, and looking at me. Mwaaaah!

What has this place become.. A cemetry for dead animals or something?

Not coping, internet

Done by Mars

Van Dam it's Friday!

I'm mildly drunk, and i'm feeling ripped off. Two more drinks and i'd be there, but this feeling i've got now sucks. It's like... you're about to orgasm, and then it's stolen from you in just one moment. A giant rip off where everything in the world is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

I must be more drunk than i thought, i'd never say that sober. Not that i'm actually saying it now, i suppose... i'm typing it. And you don't know me.

Yo, i'm ripping off D'Jen and Lulu in their 365 day self portrait project. I started on 1st Nov and am going strong. If you'd like to see my photos, and i deem you awesome enough/not likely to stalk me, you may email me for the link. mememars [at] hailmail [dot] net. Losers or people i'm likely to see hanging around the train station need not apply.

Done by Mars

Hi everyone,

I'm going to New York for a few months.

I will still write regulary but I might start lying and exaggerating because it makes for more interesting reading (and I don't want Duckie/The Intruder knowing everything.)

Love Dot

PS - I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!