11 January 2008

Mars: on feelings of excitement, apprehesion and change.

I haven't really mentioned much about this trip to England on the blog, though truth is, it's been in the pipes for quite some time. Since i came back from Thailand in June, in fact. I guess at that time, i'd just been hanging out with an English friend for over a month, who was at the end of a year long round the world type expedition. She was fairly keen to get home at this point, and couldn't sing the praises of England highly enough. So this is how the seed was first planted for me...

I had been really unhappy at work for the previous 4 or 5 months, had several friends either move away or get married and i just wanted a change in my life.

Or did i?

I met this interesting woman a couple of months ago, who posed the question; Do you really want a change, or are you just making a change for the sake of something to do? And i've spoken about this question with a couple of people, who have mostly been of the opinon that it doesn't really matter why, the point is to just do it...

But i kinda think it does. I'm fairly certain that i wasn't genuine in my need for 'a change' as such, and this whole move has been more about me needing something to do, to make it seem as though i'm actually doing something in life. Because let's face it, i really haven't been doing anything much for quite some time now.

Which brings me to my feelings now that i'm here. And i realise i've not even been away from home a week yet, but i still think what i'm feeling at this point is relevant. I guess the main problem i'm having is that i'm not in the least bit excited to be here. At all. And this doesn't seem quite right.

So i bring myself back to the inital question of the reason for this move, and i fear that my reasons haven't been exactly true to myself. And i'm left wondering, who the fuck am i trying to kid, anyway?

11 comments:

Enny said...

If it was only that you needed something to do, you found something to do, so you've succeeded :o)

Now you can find something ELSE to do if you so wish - it's not a failure by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm very similar - if it's not one thing, it's another. But it's just the way I am, it keeps things interesting and if I didn't have that I'd proddly be content to sit on my ass and lurke the internet. ALL. THE. TIME.

Mars said...

I. KNOW. THE. FEELING.

:)

Amanda said...

I think I know how you feel, I've been feeling similar myself, and I'm not even leaving for another 4 and a bit months. When I first decided to go, I was really excited, and to an extent I still am.

BUT I've also had doubts creeping in- am I just doing it for the sake of doing it, or because of other reasons? I don't think any of my reasons for going are any less valid than any others- I fucking hate my job, most of my friends are moving away anyway, I love travel- but I still wonder whether I should n't just stay here and make things better with what I've got.

Enny's right though- even if you did it just to do SOMETHING, that's no less valid than something else, and you've succeeded, whatever you decide to do now.

Mars said...

thanks dudettes...

and uh, amanda... can you pls invite me to be a reader? mememars@hailmail.net

thanks :)

Adam said...

Some dude or chick I spose...

I told you not to go.

Mex said...

YAY! MARS IS COMING BACK!!!

Puss In Boots said...

I haven't travelled before, so I can't really advise. I'm going at the end of this year, though, so hopefully I don't end up hating it!

Do you think that perhaps it's just homesickness? Stuck in another country without all the familiarity you're used to? Stick it out a few more weeks and then reassess.

Adam said...

I say give London the flick and head to a little Swedish town somewhere. You can do it, put your back into it!!

Thursday's Child said...

I'd try and stick it out for a bit mars (just my 2 cents) and see if the feelings pass, it could just be homesickness.

Try and get out and meeet people, or get a routine going and do stuff you would not be able to do back in Melbs.

If after a time you still feel the same, then come back - there is no shame in having tried something and deciding it is not for you.

kiki said...

are you giving aphrodite credit for my conclusions???

Original Mel said...

There's nothing wrong with moving overseas simply to do SOMETHING. I did it and I'm still here. And having a ball.

Sometimes just having something new to do is all you need to give your life a much needed wake up call...