Mars: on feelings of excitement, apprehesion and change.
I haven't really mentioned much about this trip to England on the blog, though truth is, it's been in the pipes for quite some time. Since i came back from Thailand in June, in fact. I guess at that time, i'd just been hanging out with an English friend for over a month, who was at the end of a year long round the world type expedition. She was fairly keen to get home at this point, and couldn't sing the praises of England highly enough. So this is how the seed was first planted for me...
I had been really unhappy at work for the previous 4 or 5 months, had several friends either move away or get married and i just wanted a change in my life.
Or did i?
I met this interesting woman a couple of months ago, who posed the question; Do you really want a change, or are you just making a change for the sake of something to do? And i've spoken about this question with a couple of people, who have mostly been of the opinon that it doesn't really matter why, the point is to just do it...
But i kinda think it does. I'm fairly certain that i wasn't genuine in my need for 'a change' as such, and this whole move has been more about me needing something to do, to make it seem as though i'm actually doing something in life. Because let's face it, i really haven't been doing anything much for quite some time now.
Which brings me to my feelings now that i'm here. And i realise i've not even been away from home a week yet, but i still think what i'm feeling at this point is relevant. I guess the main problem i'm having is that i'm not in the least bit excited to be here. At all. And this doesn't seem quite right.
So i bring myself back to the inital question of the reason for this move, and i fear that my reasons haven't been exactly true to myself. And i'm left wondering, who the fuck am i trying to kid, anyway?
5 years ago