There's no chicken in Cheltenham!

Today, i made the mistake of coming back from Yarrawonga on the train, rather than waiting until tomorrow and getting a lift back in air conditioned comfort. In true mars form... i'd made up my mind i was leaving, and fucked if any one or good reason was going to stop me.

STUPID.

Picture me this: VLine train... No air conditioning... Packed... Forty fucking three degrees.

FORTY FUCKING THREE DEGREES.

Anyway, i made it home several kilos lighter, which is a bonus. So, looking to put these newly sweated off kilos back on, i was feeling a bit peckish (snort) and went in search of chicken, for dinner. Chicken and chips on the beach... i thought that sounded pretty good.

BUT THERE'S NO CHICKEN IN CHELTENHAM.

Get this... I went to the Charcoal Chicken up the street and it's closed down. Newspaper on the windows type closed. For good.

Okay... so the next closest chicken would be Red Rooter... so i drive up there, and IT'S closed down too!

Plan C... i drive to Mentone (next suburb over) and go to My Chickadee... CLOSED FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

Panic.

Resign to fate.

Three letters: K. F. C.

I swore i'd never eat that junk again after i saw that email about how the chickens are all grown with genetically modified steroids to make them have huge boobs and no claws or feathers.

And let it be said... after eating that 'zinger'... i'm just a little scared.



PS... Peace out 2007. I think it entirely apt that we here are Dot and Mars finish the year off on out 299th post. It pretty much sums up the year for us blog-wise... close, but no cigar.

I'm stalling.

Today was the day i was supposed to pack up all my shit and move back into mums.

Get this... both my brother and i are moving back into my mum's place this week... SUCKED IN MUM, MERRY CHRISTMAS...!

Anyway... i haven't got very far...


Yet.

The kiss/hug hello... hiiii-iiiii-iiiiii...! OR goodbye... see you soon!/keep in touch!/stay safe!... mwah! mwah!

I fucking hate it.

The kiss/hug must be abolished from my life. The older i get... the worse it's becomming.

HATE IT.

I can't understand why people want to kiss/hug me anyway. I'm a miserable shit most of the time.

And FYI - I can handle a drunk hug ...a good measure of Mars' drunkeness is:
a) if she will tolerate a drunk hug or, more-so
b) if she GIVES one out... <-- uncommon in the extreme.

Like Steph... we here at D&M HQ had a bloggy xmas party too... except there was less over all good will and kind wishes in the air... and more angry, nasty and drunkity. This is how it all went down...

Puss turns up first... dressed head to tow in designer gear. She looks dot and mars up and down with haughty distaste. Mars offers her a beer and she almost falls off her 6 inch stilletos... lucky for dot to the recsue with a 'mock-tail'... little does puss know, we've spiked the mock-tail with fruity lexia. Soon enough, puss ditches the shoes and gets into the swing of things. She even allows herself to sit on the toilet seat AND use the recycled toilet paper! Dot, mars and puss make unlikely new lifelong friends in each other.

Mex and scruffy arrive... scruffy licks everyone hello and mex calls out to OMel... "HEY MOLE!"... dot points out that that isn't actually OMel, it's just mars dressed as OMel... Mex doesn't mind too much as the greeting still fits.

Mars giggles like a school girl anticipating the arrival of Davey...

Martie turns up... takes one look around and then leaves again. As does chestiii...

Surfercam and intitals JB rock up. Sufercam's got a slab up on one shoulder, and JB over the other. Dot opens the door to them, stands there dumbstruck and calls out..."uh... Mars?" With one great HA! the door is slammed in their face (well, sufercam's face/JB's arse). "but what if i read you guys some of my haiku?" says JB through the door. Another HA! ensues. Surfercam gives her a slap on the arse, and they're off, on their way back up to the train station to drink their slab.

Kiki, mr mitch and scum turn up with a bottle of pimms each. Before long (about 45 minutes if i remember correctly), scum has knocked off his bottle of pimms and is puking out in the front yard. Mr mitch, bouncing off the walls like a 9 year old on a cocktail of red cordial and crack, takes responsibility for scum and puts him to sleep in the backseat of the car, where scum contiues his vomiting rampage. Mr mitch has lost interest in taking care of/laughing at scum now, and has moved on in life... Kiki's sister appears from somewhere and winds the car window down so scum can puke out there.

This old dude turns up... no-one knows who the fuck he is, but he's bought beer, so we let him in. Later it comes out that here's here to see OMel...

D'jen turns up, has a few champagnes and loosens up before settling the crowd for a 'big announcement' she's got to make. She starts out real soft... "uh... guys? there's something i've been meaning to tell you... ummm, uhhhh, i think i'm gay" etc.

The big news was kinda underwhelming, as it seems that pretty much everyone already knew this, except for jen. But she's happier now that it's all out in the open, and there's group hugs all round. She goes outside with Enny for some air and a short deep and meaningful, where jen admits to her that she's got something to share... it's Buzzz (for a natuaral high - and 100% vegan!)... so they both do some Buzzz (whatever the fuck that is and come back inside)...

Only to find Steph passed out in the middle of the room, and everyone else snorting coke of her naked body! Woot!!! I guess she peaked too early...?

Finally davey rocks up... mars puts on her 'sex eyes' and rushes over to introduce herself (and offer her virginity)... only to find out that davey's actually really SHORT. Disappointment reigns.

MORE COKE!

A kiwi turns up... no-one knows who he is either, but he's bought beer with him, so we let him stay too. Turns out he's here for OMel as well.

But Omel is no-where in sight!

There is dancing happening... Audrey has arrived and she and Mars are doing the "ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRR" dance... ala Little Miss Sunshine. They looked gooooood.

Where's scum gone? Mars has a new love interest and she goes off to find him... this one's more her style now as he's now borderline comatose. "Scam? SCAM!? Wake up!" Mars 'whispers'/slurs into his face. Scum turns his head and hurls out the window of the car again. Mars is thankful it's not on her, so she leaves scum/scam to lie in his own puddle of voms.

Mex stumbles back in and asks if anyone's seen OMel cause there's two dudes outside comparing notes on their carnal knowledge of her. Next thing you know... OMel has turned up with a whole heap of people in tow... turns out she's been out on a tour, but didn't want to miss the party so she's bought the tour group with her.

A young kid with a lame hair style who's arrived with OMel, comes up to mars and says "uhh... hi... remember me?" OMFG mars leaves a little bit of poo in her pants. It's fucking Emo! He's back! No... he's not back, he on the tour with OMel. "Uh... dot? mars?" says emo... "Do you mind if i stay here for a while? i've kinda got no-where to go..."

*mars dies*

"Uh sure, emo... you might aswell" says dot... "your room's still exactly the way you left it..."
"18 FUCKING MONTHS AGO YOU CUNTING ARSE-HAT" says mars from the grave.

Seeing as mars/the life of the party is now dead, that's the end. Everyone packs up and goes home.

Humanos... well, it's been a big week!

I chucked a sickie on Thursday, and suddenly my whole life improved (temporarily)! I became the proud owner of one UK working visa, also the proud owner of one flight to the UK (via Hong Kong), i managed to sort myself some accomodation in London when i first arrive, and have set myself up with one job interview that i rather would like (though probably wont get). All this, after just one sickie! Huzzah!

Then, in typical true Mars form... the universe has once again smite me, and i have been struck down by revolting sickness ALL WEEKEND. Started on friday night and it got so bad i had to go home only 4 beers into proceedings... and that was it for me, the rest has been history. The weird part about the whole scenario is that i took what were supposed to be the 'night' cold and flu tablet things which i thought were supposed to make me drowsy...? Well, it's now 1.29am and i'm wide awake and chipper as they come. HUH?

Firstly, i'm rarely wide awake. Full stop, really... even in the middle of the day i could usually sleep, or at the very least doze. And i'm almost never chipper. Something's very wrong here...

Not so fly for a…

Usually guys selling their CDs on the subway go for the zombiesque yelling public announcement type sell: ‘Hello everyone! My name is Tylah! I am a rap artist! Today I am selling my CD ‘Hip Hop Hoody’! It is a debut original release that does not glorify drug use, gangs or the exploitation of women! It costs only $2!’ etc…

However, yesterday a young entrepreneur on the train went for a far more personalised pitch.

I watched as he approached each person in the carriage and asked them if they listened to hip hop music.

If the person said ‘no’, the young artist would politely apologise for interrupting them and move on. If the person said ‘yes’, then the young artist would then pull out his discman and suggest they should then hear his new CD. The commuter’s ‘yes’ had effectively committed them to listening to his CD.

I was impressed by ‘Tylah’s’ marketing technique. As he moved down the carriage pretty much everyone who listened to his CD ended up buying it.

And he asked everyone, ‘Do you like hip hop?’ ‘Do you like hip hop?’ ‘Do you like hip hop?’

And then he got to me.

He smiled at me, taking in my…

Skinny jeans.

Beret.

Duffel coat.

Vibe of complete bland.

…and said, ‘You don’t like hip hop.’

Read me like a book.

A couple of years ago, when the first fibre-optic chirstmas trees came out, i thought they were totally kitsch and gross.

So i got one.

And each year here at D&M HQ, i've been putting it up. But not in your regular sense of carefully separating all the branches and studiously placing each 'special' ornament in just the right spot. It's more along the lines of ploking the tree in its holder and chucking on the one container of sparkly styro-foam balls, where-ever.

And i think it looks good enough.

Aint it boyoodiful?

Last year (well, this year...) i thought it looked so 'good enough' that i left the thing standing until about February, only taking it down because Dot was coming home later in the week, as i recall.

I can't guarantee the same wont happen this year.

So there you have it... we are 'decorated' and i am 'in the christmas spirit'.

hey Dot/Babe,

take a bite out of the big apple for me today!

kthxbye.

Hey! Initials...

It's really hard to be mean, or at the very least cynical towards you while you're gushing.

Kindly cease.

Cheers,
Mars

I almost had an epiphany last night.

I was sitting out in my backyard on the banana lounge at about midnight… the air was warm and I was feeling a bit thoughtful. So I was thinking about stuff… and for a split second it all made sense to me.

Then it started to rain… I got up and went inside. And now I can't remember what I was thinking about, that lead me to the epiphany.

Hey Dot,

Where's that old Hypercolour t-shirt you had? Is it still hanging around?

I need it.

Cheers,
Mars