25 May 2008

I was wondering last night, if it must be strange for people here, to have me in their life. It's like, i come with no context. There are no people around who know me... i could be living a complete double life... i have no history. It's a really bizarre feeling, living without people you have lived with for a significant part of your life... because i guess, like it or not, these people define you to some extent.

I'm a rock
I am an island.
I'm an enigma.
I'm a ring-in.
I'm a fucking stray.

I've made some good friends in Manchester, who i'd really like to know 'my' people. It's weird, i find myself talking a lot about Dot, which i guess it quite understandable, given that we've been BFFs for the best part of 10 years... and also my brother, which is slightly less expected given my relationship with him has always been kinda tumultuous.

Thing is, in some ways i've found it liberating to just escape pretty much, my whole life. I think it was pretty obvious when i decided to come away from home that i needed to change so many aspects of what was going on at that time... be it work, home, friends, family... i'd become stagnant and wasn't really in a good spot. And i blame no one but myself for it, but it's really hard to change just one aspect of your life... because all the others kind of bring you back. If you understand what i'm trying to stay? So instead, i guess it just seemed easier to do one, and get the fuck out.

Thing is though, i'm here now... and i guess the one thing i really wanted or needed to change wasn't in fact my work, home, friends or family... it was me. Sadly, i seem to have followed me all the way to the Northern 'Sphere and truth be told, i'm struggling to come to terms with it. What are you meant to do when you're sick of your own company? I actually bore myself some times.

Conundrum.

8 comments:

Mex said...

oh mole. how sad.

why dont you write up a list of what you want to change about yourself and then have a really long hard think about what you can actually do to change those things.

and ir that doesnt work, go see a counsellor.

Mars said...

tres tragique, i know...

Mex said...

its not tragic! i can bet you at least 5c that this happens to just about everyone at some stage in their life.

you have got nothing stopping you being the person you want to be but you have to see that there is nothing wrong with you in the first place you mole.

MOLE!

does it help when i call you mole?

Mars said...

it makes me feel special... you know, you have managed to get many many people calling me mole now? that's some effort considering i've only actually met you once.

that's cool... i have much heart for you mexie mole.

Columbo said...

The last post reminded me of the moral to the Wizard of Oz...

If you ever go looking for your heart's desire again, don't look any further than your own backyard... Because if it isn't there, you never really lost it to begin with....

Original Mel said...

Okay, my driver and I were having the exact same conv the other day.

Because, let's be honest, if most of my friends from home could see me now, they would probably be embarassed. And yet I feel more alive and like "me" than ever.

I think the point of moving overseas is to work out who we really are. To eschew whaqt is expected of you and just, i don't know, live for yourself. And find out who that is.

If this sounds hokey, I blame the 3 bottles of red and bottle of champagne I have drunk this afternoon. OR something.

Anonymous said...

Wow, its like you've taken those exact thoughts from my head.

This is my second attempt at leaving 'me' behind and totally getting away from people who have known me closely and for a while. I ended up with the same problem the first time, and now I'm living overseas and doing it again, knowing that I'm probably going to have the same problem again. Aaarrgh!!

As strangely psychotic as it sounds, I see it as a way of slightly reinventing myself each time without feeling like I'm being judged or critisized by those who think they 'know' me well.

Mars said...

who ARE you with that strangely normal anonymous comment?