I have been following someone i went to primary and high school with, around the internet for nearly two years now. I can't say we were BFFs at the time, but we were friends... our younger brothers were friends, our mums were friends. I wanted to be her then, and i want to be her now. These are my reasons why:

• She lives in america
• In a beautiful house with ralph lauren paint on the walls
  
• She finished uni and did her degree in creative writing
• Is a lesbian, which i find kinda intriguing
• She's really creative and makes beautiful things
• And photographs them
• She's in love with someone who loves her
• She's been to SXSW twice (once as part of her job!)
• I love her naturally straight and blonde hair

Superficial? Without a doubt. But look at that hair!

I've never actually communicated with this girl the whole time i've been following her around the internet... and it seems wrong that i know so much about her life. Am i entitled to know all this? She's put it on the internet for anyone to find (though to pay homage to my skillz, it did take some digging around), am i really being sneaky and sly or am i just seeing what's been made available to me? Do i really know as much as i think i do?

I guess some people say similar about reading the blog of someone they know in real life... They're only looking at what's been put out there for a non-descript audience. Though in saying that, i would be pretty pissed if someone i knew started reading this blog, and didn't let me know.

Anyway, conveniently enough, she's just created another medium for me to follow her around the internet on... lo and behold, a blog. And to be honest, for someone who did a whole degree in creative writing, i thought it'd have been a whole lot more engaging, but i was left unimpressed. Now i'm kinda tempted to comment and see if she finds me out. She'd be dense if she couldn't work it out... basically from the information i've given away in this post alone, i could only be one of about five people. Less even, given i said our brothers were friends.

But i probably wont comment... cause let's face it, after she knows i've been stalking her for two years, i'm not confident she's going to want to know me and will therefore probably take all her shiz offline. Then where will i be?

My two most hated things are sport and animals.

Get this... for the first time in about 15 years i actually touched a cat this weekend. I pat it almost affectionately, even. It was ok... until the thing wanted to climb on me. That's where i draw the line... give (an animal) an inch and it will take a mile. In addition to this out of character act of random kindness, today i saw a police horse and found myself stopping and staring at the thing, thinking 'what an amazing beast'.

I don't understand this change of heart and my sudden and apparent kinship i seem to have with these animals.

That said, sadly for all involved during these most olympic of weeks, the same can't be said about sport. This must be the most successful Olympics ever for Team GB and oh my god, the whole country (as any country worth its salt when its team starts doing well) is on board. Every day i am accosted by some over zealous fair-weather fan with the latest up date in Team GB's medal winners and/or to let me know, cause i care, that team GB are sitting an amazing third on the medal tally. That's one (or two, depending on the day of the week) places ABOVE Australia.

AWESOME WORK TEAM GB.

This has got to be one of the worst performances Australia has given in the Olympics for ages, right? News over here on our team is fairly non-existant, so i don't even know if Jana Pitman and Tamsyn Lewis have clawed each other's eye balls out yet. Are those two even still in it, or are they 'commentators' or some shit now?

Anyhoo... SPORT. Who gives a fuck? So you can run really, really fast... NICE ONE. You spend you're whole life consumed by running or swimming really, really fast. How am i supposed to take any of it seriously? I can do some stuff fast too... you don't see me making a fuss though, do you.

A topic so trivial it MUST be blogged about:

The Australian Olympic Team's opening ceremony uniforms!

On Friday night I dragged Blane down to our local bar to watch the Opening Ceremony. I'm not ashamed to say it's my favourite part of the Olympics. I find it so fascinating; it's just such an overt show of nationalism (or 'fascism', take your pick) that would be embarrassing in any context other than the seemingly politically and socially mute arena of SPORT.

Anyway, I promised Blane we'd just enjoy one drink, watch Australia march out at the start of the parade and then leave. Unfortunately the Chinese alphabet mixed things up and Australia came out at the end, so we ended up sitting through the entire spectacle.

I loved the uniforms. I loved the conservative blazers and caps, I loved the kaftans, I loved the colours.

The American team won the preppy award...

However, I didn't love the Australian uniform...

My first reaction was, like 21 million other people, 'They're wearing the wrong colours!'

So I wasn't surprised to read the Australian headlines the next day:

Athletes' uniform 'Un-Australian' and The French and Italians were chic, the Americans went for classic... and we looked like volunteers

I didn't think too much more on the topic (because doesn't everyone EXPECT to be un-impressed by the Australian Olympic uniform?) until I watched the New York Times 'Opening Ceremony Fashions' video. See it here.

Eric Wilson's commentry is astute and then... hilarious!

Spoiler alert (quick, watch the video!)...










Wilson basically takes a look at the blazer trend and finds it 'traditional' and 'poorly made' and, at best, 'decent looking'. However, at the end of his overview of Olympic fashion he turns his eye to a less formally dressed nation and remarks, "As far as I'm concerned the team with best style this year came from Australia."

!!!! ?

Wilson goes on to say the Australian uniform was so "completely eye-catching and it made you want to find out who made these jackets."

It was Sportscraft! He'll get a surprise.

WILSON THEN COMPARES THE AUSTRALIAN UNIFORM TO PRADA: "Miuccia Prada really used this degrede style in her 2007 acessories collection." He concludes, "Who ever made these uniforms really has their finger on the pulse of what's happening right now in fashion."

Gosh and golly. Plain and pedestrian Sportscraft being adulated next to Prada. Now THAT makes me proud to be Australian.

It's a fine line between pleasure and pain...

I went to a comedy night tonight... which was basically a whole heap of hacks going for cheap laughs. The standard, fat guy making jokes about starving Africans, ginger's making jokes at their own expense and the all too common inherently racist and sexist 'jokes' that you cringe at while most of the rest of the audience are in absolute stitches.

I know i have a sense of humour, and i love to laugh at shit i find funny, however, jokes about domestic violence, rape and outright racist or homophobic 'jokes' really get up my arse.

Am i taking the whole scenario too seriously? Should i just 'loosen up' or whatever? I don't know... I do know that it just takes one or two people who, let's face it, probably aren't bad people... make a joke in utter poor taste to try and get a laugh, and end up spoiling what would otherwise have been quite good.

Surely there's a better way to get a laugh other than making fun of people who can't fight back?

Life update…

JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And it only took five weeks. Not too shabby.

Although. Does ‘unpaid internship that will eventually lead to casual hourly employment that MIGHT eventually lead to contracted fulltime work’ actually count as a job?

Blane assures me this is a fairly typical way of finding employment in America. However, I have an inkling in my your-rights-at-work-are-worth-fighting-for bones that I’m being ripped.

I come from a land where ‘unpaid training’ is ILLEGAL.

I come from parents that drive around in cars with ‘MUA HERE TO STAY’ stickers on their bumpers.

I come from a sharehouse where I used to live with a union rep. (Hi Mars!).

Seems to me like ‘land of the free’ translates into the ‘land of the free labour’. And if you aren’t lucky enough to have the support of someone who’ll essentially KEEP you while you dilly around with unpaid internships… well, you can just go work in the ‘land of the minimum wage’. And stay there!

Yeah, it’s only for those who can afford it!

In Manchester, i have come to know (and use) the word 'scally'... a scally is pretty much the more commonly known as 'chav'. No-one does summer in england like a scally... and when temperatures peak at 19 degrees, all council estates point towards Blackpool.

Blackpool isn't far from Manchester, and i'd heard such things about the place that when summer hit last Sunday (it's over now), i took a day trip to Blackpool. The place is hard to explain... i can see how it probably used to be an ok place for a family holiday... but now it's all run down and tacky looking. Lots of stag and hen do's happening (for people who can't afford to go to Prague, Budapest or even Dublin)... lots of shops selling pink cowboy hats with fluff around the edges and flashing bunny ears.

Anyway, one thing Blackpool is especially famous for is 'rock' or 'a stick-a-rock'. You can get all sorts of rock... ones that say Pleasure Beach, your name, your football team and even whole meals of rock made out to look like an english breakfast.

Was in a shop admiring the rock when i noticed the following scenario...


Multiculturalism at its very best, that.

I just got back from the job interview to be a personal assistant to a rich lady. I shall call her Ms. Happy.

I only applied for the position because I like to apply for three jobs each day, and I needed to make quota.

But, surprisingly, I got an interview.

I only went to the interview because I wanted a sticky-beak in her Park Avenue apartment.

And, unsurprisingly, it’s the most fantastical looking apartment in the world!

And now… I’ve got a serious case of hungry-eyes.

The apartment took up an entire penthouse floor in a very fancy building; one service elevator for the paid help, one main elevator for people making a grand entrance. The doorman directed me to the service elevator that I took to the top floor where I was greeted by Personal Assistant #3. I was then shown down a long white corridor and into a massive living room. I was told to wait in this room and Personal Assistant #2 would soon be with me. While I waited I got a good look at the room: all wood paneling on the walls, a super lofty ceiling, three large windows looking straight out across Central Park. The furnishings were also all gold and wood in a geometric Neoclassical style. Hell, I’m sure they were Neoclassical. The only colour in the room came from the soft tones of TWO DEGAS BALLERINA PAINTINGS and a MONET WATERLILLIES. LJGOWQRJFSDJFWIUPCN!!!!!

So I sat waiting, wearing my Miss Shop clothes, with my new homies Degas and Monet. And we got on great.

And then I met Personal Assistant #2 who explained that as it was Summer Ms. Happy "obviously wasn't in town." Of course, the Hamptons. Then Personal Assistant #2 she told me all about the position (lots of errands, lots of organising, lots of shopping) and I told her why I would be good at it (duh). I'm fairly confident I’ll get asked back for a second interview with Personal Assistant #1.

My problem is I can't decide if I want the job or not.

NO:

• It's such simple non-challenging menial work; I'm applying for a job that will require me to pick-up dry cleaning and shop for contact lens solution.
• It's not that closely related to my interest in visual art.
• It's part-time so I wouldn't be earning that much money.

YES:

• I reckon there would be lots of perks. (Personal Assistant #2 didn't say anything specific however she kept saying over and over, "Ms. Happy is a VERY generous employer... so GENEROUS.")
• I would learn a lot about philanthropy and the etiquette and protocols of the 'super upper classes'.
• I would probably get some gossip too.
• The hours are so flexible that I could easily become involved with other projects.

I’m wrestling with my guilt and greed over this one. I feel guilty for not using my education and searching for a more challenging job i.e. start CAREER. However, I feel this disgusting greed that is pulling me towards wanting to work in the most beautiful apartment in the world and have a personal chef make me lunch each day. It’s sort of a ‘Devil Wears Prada’ dilemma. Girl works a menial job in decadent environment waltzing around with an attitude of intellectual superiority. However, after experiencing a few perks (in ‘Devil’ instance, wearing AMAZING clothes to work each day) becomes addicted to the lifestyle (that she is only living vicariously).

In the end? BURN OUT.

Still, can’t I just do it for six months?

_________________________

Update: I didn't get the job. I didn't even get a second interview! I didn't mentioned above that I actually got lost trying to find apartment building and was 10 minutes late to interview. I did phone ahead to let them know I was delayed as I went to Fifth Avenue by mistake, however I suppose getting lost didn't reflect too well on my 'errand running' abilities. Damn, I can run errands with the best of them!

Starbucks is melting, melting... ahahahahah haha!

Actually, I don't mind Starbucks when I'm in the U.S. It's a good place for a toilet stop, it's got comparatively cheap good filter-brew and, on a cold cold day, it's a good place for a sit down and warm up.

However, the demise of Starbucks in Australia was just so inevitable!!!

This article makes the obvious point: The US chain has been the victim of an ill-fated expansion in Australia, a market it only entered in 2000. But Starbucks was also snubbed by many Australians who have grown up on a diet of quality European-style coffee introduced into the country by immigrants, particularly from Italy, last century.

Starbucks performed a miracle convincing Americans to pay $4 for a latte. However, before Starbucks Americans lived on a diet of 99cent filter coffee, so the $4 'Vanilla Bean Frappuccino® Blended Crème' was a whole new market.

On the other hand, Australians already had good espresso (complete with drink jargon) when Starbucks entered the scene. So it was ridiculous to think Australians would want to pay $4 for a weak wimpy latte at Starbucks, when a local cafe sells a beautiful strong latte in a delicate glass for $3.

I remember when Starbucks first opened in Melbourne around 2001. It was during my early undergraduate days; a time of Naomi Klein, S11 Crown casino protests and ambiguous 'globalisation-hating'. Starbucks just seemed to spell doom.

So it's wonderful to see the demise of Starbucks in Australia. What was S11 really about? I can't really remember and don't really care... but I think the point is, Australian culture (the bit about how we go out to cafes, how we sit around with friends, how we drink lovely coffee) was strong enough to withstand a large corporation that tried to change it.

I miss a good latte...

I’ve just seen a wonderful film and it’s called ‘Wall-E’.

I’m not one for gushing over films, years at university has caged my ability to enthuse unashamedly over anything...However, Wall-E has taught me to love again.

Wall-E is this sweet little trash-compacting robot with the mannerisms of Mr. Bean and the heart of a hopeless romantic. Sounds revolting, I know.

Wall-E lives in America of the future. And the future is bleak. Seven hundred years ago humans raped and pillaged earth’s resources so the planet became a desolate dirt ball, bursting with garbage and devoid of life. Having destroyed the planet completely, humans boarded spaceships and abandoned earth to a new life in the sky. Meanwhile, robots remained on earth with the task to ‘clean up’ so that eventually the humans could return. Unfortunately, over the centuries the robots all broke-down. All expect for one… Will Smith. Ahem, I mean Wall-E.

Unlike most recent post-apocalyptic films (I am Legend, Children of Men, Twenty-Eight Days Later) that blame earth’s demise on random acts of fate: viruses, genetic defects, aliens, 'Wall-E' takes the more realistic view and considers a world destroyed by humans. 'Wall-E' steps beyond the global-warming debate to focus on the compelling simple issue of earth’s limited resources pitted against civilization’s limitless ability to consume. It is a bleak, yet brave, look at the future. And it’s a kid’s film!

The first-half hour of the film is dedicated to painting a picture of this world-gone-mad as seen through the lonely eyes of Wall-E. Wall-E spends each day diligently compacting-trash, despite the overwhelming landscape of garbage that surrounds him. Wall-E follows his programming and, without any sense of valor, continues to try and save the planet. After all, he is just a robot. Although, somewhere over the past centuries Wall-E has developed a glitch in his system and begun to empathize with the culture he is cleaning up after. He collects objects he finds pretty and, in an act of social-mimicry, makes friends with a cockroach. In this miserable setting, Wall-E’s small attempts to emulate human traits are profound against the viewer’s knowledge of all things lost. I was really quite moved.

The second half of the film is set on humanity-starship, where everyone has been taking it easy for the past seven centuries. Very, very easy. In this hilarious vision of what will happen to people if they remain apathetic to the world around them, humans are depicted as obese lumps that move around in hover-chairs while consuming mindless entertainment through screens attached to their faces.

I laughed and laughed when I first saw these creatures on the screen. I then noticed I was laughing much harder than any one else in the cinema. Upon some reflection I have to admit I found the idea of humans literally turning into passive blobs so funny because it took the stereotype of the ‘fat-dumb-American’ to a bizarre, yet vaguely rational, new level. I’ve rejected this stereo-type for a long time. When in Australia it always used irritate me to hear throw-away comments about ‘fat-dumb-Americans’. I used to try to defend my husband and his people by pointing out that ‘fat-dumb-American’ is a boring generalization. So I was a bit shocked to find myself laughing so hard at ‘Wall-E’, particularly as I’ve since found out the representation of people in ‘Wall-E’ hurt a lot of viewer’s feelings.

This girl cried: “All I can think of is how would you look at me? How would you look at someone’s sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, fathers and brothers—are they funny? Are they less human or dirty or stupid?”

Then this lady got angry: “‘Wall-E’... plays off the easy analogy between obesity and ecological catastrophe, pushing the notion that Western culture has sickened both our bodies and our planet with the same disease of affluence. According to this lazy logic, a fat body stands in for a distended culture: We gain weight and the Earth suffers. If only society could get off its big, fat ass and go on a diet!”

It’s true the film draws an analogy between ‘overweight’ and ‘over-consumption’. However, I disagree that ‘Wall-E’ blames overweight people for Earth’s suffering. Rather, the obesity of humans in ‘Wall-E’ is depicted as a symptom of a society that has lost its way. These people are mindless; without independent thought they have all morphed into the same helpless form. The people in Wall-E are caricatures that warn against mindless-consumerism as it could result in the ‘fat-dumb-American’ stereo-type becoming a reality.

I love it! The point is, it’s okay to laugh at the characters in ‘Wall-E’ because they aren’t individuals struggling with weight issues, rather they are essentially babies whose bodies are soft and underdeveloped. They live a life of pure id; ‘me, want, now, hungry, now, now…’… and it takes the humanity of a little trash compactor robot called Wall-E to snap them out of it.

A beautiful film... go see it!

NEWS FLASH!!!

Girl gets new mobile, not so new

In a shocking twist to the story of Dot getting a new mobile she has recently received an email describing her phone as ‘passé’.

‘I’m terribly upset,’ Dot told us, ‘I just really believed for a minute I finally had my finger on the pulse of technological advancement. I thought I was cutting-edge, but it turns out, once again, I’m behind the times.’

Dot, whose record with mobile phones has not been stellar, finally caved to social pressures and brought a mobile phone last week. As an unemployed job-hunter it was just was not feasible for her to continue listing her husband’s phone number as her own.

“Potential employers would call my husband,” Dot explained, “And then he would politely explain he ‘accidentally’ picked up my phone that morning and brought it to work with him, but he would let me know ASAP to call them back.”

Unsurprisingly this elaborate scheme did not work. So Dot agreed to finally make the big commitment and sign up for a phone-plan.

Her choice of phone? A BlackBerry® Curve ™. The BlackBerry is a hand-held device used mainly for sending and receiving short e-mail messages typed on a tiny keyboard. While it also functions as a mobile phone, the appeal of the BlackBerry is continual email access.

In explaining her choice of phone Dot pointed to her dislike of phone-conversations yet love of written-correspondence as making the BlackBerry the obvious choice. While the BlackBerry smartphone has been around since 2002, it is only over the last few years that it’s widespread use has become synonymous with Wall Street gadget addiction. It’s nick-name? The ‘Crackberry’.

Dot was thrilled with her new toy, and upon turning it on for the first time immediately began emailing all her friends and family to brag about her new purchase. Most people responded by sending kind wishes for these technological steps for Dot-kind. However her sister, slightly jaded by Dot’s previous half-assed attempts to ‘get with it’, replied, “It’s impressive that you have a blackberry. Is this because everyone now has iphones and blackberries are passé?”

Dot’s obvious response, “What the hell is an IPhone?”

Dot really shouldn’t be surprised. Of course she brought her BlackBerry on sale.