26 July 2009

The return from Mars


It's been a while, eh. Not really sure where to pick up with this blog (which is probably why i've been avoiding it so long), so i will give a brief summation of where i'm at right now... both meta physically and mortally.

My mortal self is in Manchester. I returned back to Oz with a great song and dance back in April, only to decide within 24 hours of being back on home soil that it wasn't where i wanted to be. So after a three week 'holiday', i returned to Manchester on a wing and a prayer.

Reasons at the time of making this decision were probably quite sound, and after all that's happened recently, i don't regret it... I left Melbourne 18 months earlier, unhappy with my life, yet motivated to rebuild else-where. When time came to leave Manchester, i wasn't unhappy... i had a group of friends, one in particular i was very close to, a job i didn't hate and enough distance between my family and i to keep me in sound mind. It seemed obvious.

And now, here we are two months after my return, and i have slipped back into life as usual, yet so many things have turned upside down in the last six months, two months, two weeks... things i expected would remain have changed, the life i had this time 12 months ago, even one month ago is nothing but a distant memory and i feel like i've lost myself somewhere in the mix.

I left my heart in San Fransisco.
I left my head in 2008.

It's always difficult to lose a friend when it's a one sided falling out, and that's what has happened to me. Someone i considered a good friend, my best friend even, has dropped me like i'm hawt. Truth is, i think he's a bit lost himself, and i - through the sheer fact that i have been so close, available, willingly indulgent - seem to have become a bit of collateral loss. A friendship that went too far, got too intense and essentially, imploded. It's possible i wore him out. It's also possible he is just being a bit of a dick.

So what does every good woman do when they've been dropped (romantically or otherwise)? She turns on herself. And that's what i've done, oh boy... the last two weeks in my head have been a real party! I don't know if it's a party i've had to have - if fact, i'd probably have preferred to sit this one out, but it was a cracker, though i'm hoping the party's over now... all that remains is the red wine stains on the carpet, the cigarette ash on my coffee table and the half eaten kebab by my pillow (though secretly admit there's probably a lot more partying to be done).

Naturally, my instant reaction was to try and 'fix' things that had gone wrong. Blame myself, let others blame me, accept being yelled at, make excuses for those who don't deserve them, allow myself to be ignored and not only treated like rubbish once - but actually keep coming back for more! All in what is now obvious, a vein attempt to diffuse a situation. Calm things down, i thought, i'll stick up for myself later.

I never thought i could have stood for such treatment, to be honest... i've said it before - no middle, no half, no change of heart, people don't get many chances with me, however, a punishment must fit a crime and i kind of think with really good friends, i'm willing to give them a chance, time, whatever they need, if i've really annoyed them. And there's no doubt, in this situation, i really annoyed him. Whether he was justified in his reaction - well, it's subjective, but i don't think so. So i'm at the point now where i'm digging my heels in... how long am i supposed to persist for, in this situation?

After my return to Manchester, i faced a lot of questions from people at home, family and friends wanted to know what my plan was. Well, truth of the matter - there was no plan. I didn't know where i was going to live, if i was going to be able to get a job or how long i'd be staying for. These 'concerns' were aired in a ruthless manner - and not one to be told what to do by anyone, i completely withdrew to the point where i hadn't spoken to anyone from home, including my parents, until about a week or so ago.

These people are my friends. These people i ignored, the people who persisted in contacting me, the people who never stopped caring or worrying. These are my people, and van damn when it all turned to shit, if they weren't there for me. I guess what's most disappointing is that i thought he was one of those friends, not someone who was going to cause the anguish. Maybe i gave the friendship more credit than it deserved? Maybe he meant more to me than i ever meant to him?

So where am i left... i appear to be down one bezzie mate and suddenly have loads of time on my hands. Time to think (which is probably the last thing i should be doing) and i've forgotten what i used to do before my life became absorbed with this person. I used to read, i know that. And i believe i used to keep a blog. The blog i ignored, the blog that persisted in being the elephant in the room and the blog that never stopped caring or worrying!

I hope my friendship can be restored - i am hurt and i am angry, but i know i can get past those things at this stage. Above all, i miss my friend and want him back... but make no promises on this state of mind staying the way it is - i've not got much patience for being ignored and before too soon he may well end up with a brick through his front window.

It's nice to be back, bloggy.


Dot said...

Thank-god you're back! The blog has become one long feeble Dot whinge without you...

Your Annoying Friend Who Does Worry About You Not Having A 'Plan' But Only Cause I Care And You Can't Stop Me

audrey said...

Oh Mars. That stinks. *hugs Mars* *passes magnum size bottle of wine* *lights cigarettes*