There's no chicken in Cheltenham!

Today, i made the mistake of coming back from Yarrawonga on the train, rather than waiting until tomorrow and getting a lift back in air conditioned comfort. In true mars form... i'd made up my mind i was leaving, and fucked if any one or good reason was going to stop me.

STUPID.

Picture me this: VLine train... No air conditioning... Packed... Forty fucking three degrees.

FORTY FUCKING THREE DEGREES.

Anyway, i made it home several kilos lighter, which is a bonus. So, looking to put these newly sweated off kilos back on, i was feeling a bit peckish (snort) and went in search of chicken, for dinner. Chicken and chips on the beach... i thought that sounded pretty good.

BUT THERE'S NO CHICKEN IN CHELTENHAM.

Get this... I went to the Charcoal Chicken up the street and it's closed down. Newspaper on the windows type closed. For good.

Okay... so the next closest chicken would be Red Rooter... so i drive up there, and IT'S closed down too!

Plan C... i drive to Mentone (next suburb over) and go to My Chickadee... CLOSED FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

Panic.

Resign to fate.

Three letters: K. F. C.

I swore i'd never eat that junk again after i saw that email about how the chickens are all grown with genetically modified steroids to make them have huge boobs and no claws or feathers.

And let it be said... after eating that 'zinger'... i'm just a little scared.



PS... Peace out 2007. I think it entirely apt that we here are Dot and Mars finish the year off on out 299th post. It pretty much sums up the year for us blog-wise... close, but no cigar.

I'm stalling.

Today was the day i was supposed to pack up all my shit and move back into mums.

Get this... both my brother and i are moving back into my mum's place this week... SUCKED IN MUM, MERRY CHRISTMAS...!

Anyway... i haven't got very far...


Yet.

The kiss/hug hello... hiiii-iiiii-iiiiii...! OR goodbye... see you soon!/keep in touch!/stay safe!... mwah! mwah!

I fucking hate it.

The kiss/hug must be abolished from my life. The older i get... the worse it's becomming.

HATE IT.

I can't understand why people want to kiss/hug me anyway. I'm a miserable shit most of the time.

And FYI - I can handle a drunk hug ...a good measure of Mars' drunkeness is:
a) if she will tolerate a drunk hug or, more-so
b) if she GIVES one out... <-- uncommon in the extreme.

Like Steph... we here at D&M HQ had a bloggy xmas party too... except there was less over all good will and kind wishes in the air... and more angry, nasty and drunkity. This is how it all went down...

Puss turns up first... dressed head to tow in designer gear. She looks dot and mars up and down with haughty distaste. Mars offers her a beer and she almost falls off her 6 inch stilletos... lucky for dot to the recsue with a 'mock-tail'... little does puss know, we've spiked the mock-tail with fruity lexia. Soon enough, puss ditches the shoes and gets into the swing of things. She even allows herself to sit on the toilet seat AND use the recycled toilet paper! Dot, mars and puss make unlikely new lifelong friends in each other.

Mex and scruffy arrive... scruffy licks everyone hello and mex calls out to OMel... "HEY MOLE!"... dot points out that that isn't actually OMel, it's just mars dressed as OMel... Mex doesn't mind too much as the greeting still fits.

Mars giggles like a school girl anticipating the arrival of Davey...

Martie turns up... takes one look around and then leaves again. As does chestiii...

Surfercam and intitals JB rock up. Sufercam's got a slab up on one shoulder, and JB over the other. Dot opens the door to them, stands there dumbstruck and calls out..."uh... Mars?" With one great HA! the door is slammed in their face (well, sufercam's face/JB's arse). "but what if i read you guys some of my haiku?" says JB through the door. Another HA! ensues. Surfercam gives her a slap on the arse, and they're off, on their way back up to the train station to drink their slab.

Kiki, mr mitch and scum turn up with a bottle of pimms each. Before long (about 45 minutes if i remember correctly), scum has knocked off his bottle of pimms and is puking out in the front yard. Mr mitch, bouncing off the walls like a 9 year old on a cocktail of red cordial and crack, takes responsibility for scum and puts him to sleep in the backseat of the car, where scum contiues his vomiting rampage. Mr mitch has lost interest in taking care of/laughing at scum now, and has moved on in life... Kiki's sister appears from somewhere and winds the car window down so scum can puke out there.

This old dude turns up... no-one knows who the fuck he is, but he's bought beer, so we let him in. Later it comes out that here's here to see OMel...

D'jen turns up, has a few champagnes and loosens up before settling the crowd for a 'big announcement' she's got to make. She starts out real soft... "uh... guys? there's something i've been meaning to tell you... ummm, uhhhh, i think i'm gay" etc.

The big news was kinda underwhelming, as it seems that pretty much everyone already knew this, except for jen. But she's happier now that it's all out in the open, and there's group hugs all round. She goes outside with Enny for some air and a short deep and meaningful, where jen admits to her that she's got something to share... it's Buzzz (for a natuaral high - and 100% vegan!)... so they both do some Buzzz (whatever the fuck that is and come back inside)...

Only to find Steph passed out in the middle of the room, and everyone else snorting coke of her naked body! Woot!!! I guess she peaked too early...?

Finally davey rocks up... mars puts on her 'sex eyes' and rushes over to introduce herself (and offer her virginity)... only to find out that davey's actually really SHORT. Disappointment reigns.

MORE COKE!

A kiwi turns up... no-one knows who he is either, but he's bought beer with him, so we let him stay too. Turns out he's here for OMel as well.

But Omel is no-where in sight!

There is dancing happening... Audrey has arrived and she and Mars are doing the "ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRR" dance... ala Little Miss Sunshine. They looked gooooood.

Where's scum gone? Mars has a new love interest and she goes off to find him... this one's more her style now as he's now borderline comatose. "Scam? SCAM!? Wake up!" Mars 'whispers'/slurs into his face. Scum turns his head and hurls out the window of the car again. Mars is thankful it's not on her, so she leaves scum/scam to lie in his own puddle of voms.

Mex stumbles back in and asks if anyone's seen OMel cause there's two dudes outside comparing notes on their carnal knowledge of her. Next thing you know... OMel has turned up with a whole heap of people in tow... turns out she's been out on a tour, but didn't want to miss the party so she's bought the tour group with her.

A young kid with a lame hair style who's arrived with OMel, comes up to mars and says "uhh... hi... remember me?" OMFG mars leaves a little bit of poo in her pants. It's fucking Emo! He's back! No... he's not back, he on the tour with OMel. "Uh... dot? mars?" says emo... "Do you mind if i stay here for a while? i've kinda got no-where to go..."

*mars dies*

"Uh sure, emo... you might aswell" says dot... "your room's still exactly the way you left it..."
"18 FUCKING MONTHS AGO YOU CUNTING ARSE-HAT" says mars from the grave.

Seeing as mars/the life of the party is now dead, that's the end. Everyone packs up and goes home.

Humanos... well, it's been a big week!

I chucked a sickie on Thursday, and suddenly my whole life improved (temporarily)! I became the proud owner of one UK working visa, also the proud owner of one flight to the UK (via Hong Kong), i managed to sort myself some accomodation in London when i first arrive, and have set myself up with one job interview that i rather would like (though probably wont get). All this, after just one sickie! Huzzah!

Then, in typical true Mars form... the universe has once again smite me, and i have been struck down by revolting sickness ALL WEEKEND. Started on friday night and it got so bad i had to go home only 4 beers into proceedings... and that was it for me, the rest has been history. The weird part about the whole scenario is that i took what were supposed to be the 'night' cold and flu tablet things which i thought were supposed to make me drowsy...? Well, it's now 1.29am and i'm wide awake and chipper as they come. HUH?

Firstly, i'm rarely wide awake. Full stop, really... even in the middle of the day i could usually sleep, or at the very least doze. And i'm almost never chipper. Something's very wrong here...

Not so fly for a…

Usually guys selling their CDs on the subway go for the zombiesque yelling public announcement type sell: ‘Hello everyone! My name is Tylah! I am a rap artist! Today I am selling my CD ‘Hip Hop Hoody’! It is a debut original release that does not glorify drug use, gangs or the exploitation of women! It costs only $2!’ etc…

However, yesterday a young entrepreneur on the train went for a far more personalised pitch.

I watched as he approached each person in the carriage and asked them if they listened to hip hop music.

If the person said ‘no’, the young artist would politely apologise for interrupting them and move on. If the person said ‘yes’, then the young artist would then pull out his discman and suggest they should then hear his new CD. The commuter’s ‘yes’ had effectively committed them to listening to his CD.

I was impressed by ‘Tylah’s’ marketing technique. As he moved down the carriage pretty much everyone who listened to his CD ended up buying it.

And he asked everyone, ‘Do you like hip hop?’ ‘Do you like hip hop?’ ‘Do you like hip hop?’

And then he got to me.

He smiled at me, taking in my…

Skinny jeans.

Beret.

Duffel coat.

Vibe of complete bland.

…and said, ‘You don’t like hip hop.’

Read me like a book.

A couple of years ago, when the first fibre-optic chirstmas trees came out, i thought they were totally kitsch and gross.

So i got one.

And each year here at D&M HQ, i've been putting it up. But not in your regular sense of carefully separating all the branches and studiously placing each 'special' ornament in just the right spot. It's more along the lines of ploking the tree in its holder and chucking on the one container of sparkly styro-foam balls, where-ever.

And i think it looks good enough.

Aint it boyoodiful?

Last year (well, this year...) i thought it looked so 'good enough' that i left the thing standing until about February, only taking it down because Dot was coming home later in the week, as i recall.

I can't guarantee the same wont happen this year.

So there you have it... we are 'decorated' and i am 'in the christmas spirit'.

hey Dot/Babe,

take a bite out of the big apple for me today!

kthxbye.

Hey! Initials...

It's really hard to be mean, or at the very least cynical towards you while you're gushing.

Kindly cease.

Cheers,
Mars

I almost had an epiphany last night.

I was sitting out in my backyard on the banana lounge at about midnight… the air was warm and I was feeling a bit thoughtful. So I was thinking about stuff… and for a split second it all made sense to me.

Then it started to rain… I got up and went inside. And now I can't remember what I was thinking about, that lead me to the epiphany.

Hey Dot,

Where's that old Hypercolour t-shirt you had? Is it still hanging around?

I need it.

Cheers,
Mars

WELL! I thought my computer was broken... so i've been computer-less for 2 weeks now... and today, i must have got desperate so tried to fix it. WELL FUCK ME SIDE WAYS, i actually did it, and it turns out the computer's not broken afterall! ...it's so fun being me.

And i've had lots to write about too... Firstly there was a wedding... and you know how i 'like' those... There was also JT (OMGJUSTINDOMENOW)... AND, there was an election. Suffice to say... we are delighted at the result.

It's been a busy month or so here at D&M HQ. Firstly, Dot came home! (to visit me) Which was nice. She was here for two weeks, and now she's gone again. Meanwhile, on the recomendation of Mexie, and with a severe case of 5-minutes-on-the-brain, i bought a NEW camera... wheee...! Let me demonstrate its greatness, by telling you all about the IMPORTANT things in life - now in motion picture!

Anyone ever wondered what D&M HQ looks like? Well, in the name of once and for all, flushing any anonymity we ever had STRAIGHT down the shitter...! I present to you (in artistic photography format)...

Our dining room... ta-daa! Greeeeeeeeny...

Whee...! BUT, the big news really is...! While Dot was here, she acquired us (yes, US!) a flat screen teevee! It was like... we'd finally made our way into the 21st century... OR, we'd won a game show or something...

Have you ever seen a flatter screen?

That said... there are changes afoot for Dot and Mars. As those more observant readers of You Can't Stop Us... will note, Dot seems to not only have gotten married this year, but she also seems to have moved to America to live with her mail-order husband. Which leaves Mars, unaccounted for.

SO... Mars has made some plans of her own... to head north to a cooler climate and go to Manchester to hang out with some of her boozy mates. THAT'S RIGHT, Manchester, bitches. Therefore, there has been packing, and let me just say... i have made the recent discovery of the most under-rated form of storage there is. You see, normally i would just create piles. Of stuff. Piles, and piles of stuff. BUT BEHOLD!

Oh yeah baby... it's the vacuum seal!

VERY SATISFYING, seeing the life sucked out of all my STUFF. Luckily for me, i have heaps of STUFF, so this could keep me entertained for quite. some. time.

In other news... i went up the street today to get a facial (damn new camera, pointing out how bad my skin actually was) and after i bought my $3.50 bottle of cordial (see right), i noticed that Cheltenham seemed to have up, what looked like...

Christmas decorations! Ahahahahahaha*choke*LAME.

Anyway, that's it really. I'm getting a Mac Laptop some time next week, so you can expect some more wacky adventures as i try to work out how to use that thing.

zomg... computer broke so there's been no blog/facebook action at D&M HQ.

ZOMG then i saw JT and he was so freakin hott!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also, 36 degrees in melbs today - thus and therefore, i am also so freakin hott (in the more traditional sense of the word)

yo.

What does your choice of Halloween costume say about you???

Devil Horns
You possess greater abilities than people suspect but are lacking in the energy or opportunity to use them…
You're always waiting for trains, never riding them.

Evil Santa
You have the capacity for making very detailed plans which you can carry through to a successful conclusion.
You are unlikely to curb your thirst for power which can make you unprincipled in your actions.

Slutty Umpire / Slutty Bumblebee (w. white denim crop jacket)
You are self confident, loyal, magnanimous with a sunny warmth and candour.
Actually, you are dumb, boring and shallow.


The Human Tampon
You have enormous powers of stamina and endurance combined with fearlessness and a willingness to go where no one else will go.
You are likely to be short in height and occasionally there is a speech peculiarity.

When good bloggers go bad...

by Mars

So get this... Our resident Modest Earth Dweller has infiltrated my LIFE. Well, not exactly... actually, not at all, really. None-the-less... this is the scenario...

Mexie came to Melbs not long ago, and i didn't chicken out in going to meet her. I love the Mex... Anyway, ORMED came along too, for the kicks. We met Mex... drank beer and i ended up really wasted after my person was spiked with asprin then umm... well, the rest is a bit sketchy. Anyway, he said she was short... i didn't agree. There was some licking of faces and some fugly fucking fotos (TM) taken.

Got it?

So the fugly fucking fotos (TM) end up on facebook and my friend, Aphrodite, comments on a couple of them. ANYWAY, ORMED takes this opportunity to introduce himself to Aphrodite, completely ignoring the very existence (and ownership of the facebook) of ME. So the two of them make friends... there is messaging and texting and talking... Again, all of this ignoring MY wishes, not even consulting me for my blessing.

Loike, if i wanted them to be friends, i would have introduced them or something... BUT NO. These two think they're entitled to take LIBERTIES in life. How WRONG they were.

Fast forward 2 weeks and the pair of them are now practicing the making of the babies and both ignoring the existence of ME, even more-so than usual. I'm not happy, and as far as i'm concerned, there's NO DEAL and both of them still owe me one good looking friend... EACH. And i want quality.

I'm like, a modern day fucking cupid... which let's just say, is irony at its very best.

yo aphrodite,
rooting kiki? too bad he's...
got the yogurt dick.

(dedicated to Mars as her worlds collide)

You can't stop me cause I'm drunk...

High school was a long time ago but it seems I still have some of the fifteen-year-old bitch within:

Dot said...

censorship: it's like living in nazi germany. do you realise how low you've sunk?

2:53 PM

Mars said...

ooh... HARSH!

...but fair.

3:09 PM

Dot said...

oh. hi there mars. i didn't know you came here too.

3:14 PM

Mars said...

some times i like to see what's on the menu, read the poor man's version of haiku and see posey photos of someone else.

just sometimes though...

3:16 PM

Dot said...

i like it too. i like the sense of non-self-awareness that comes out of this blog. it's refreshingly pretentious. i like it how she writes to make herself look good, with no sense of irony or cliche. wonderful!

3:19 PM

Mars said...

i especially like it when she tells us all the brand names she's bought... except i usually don't know if i should laugh or cry.

seriously though, the 'poetry' is my favourite. intitials, when can we expect some more haiku?

3:22 PM

Dot said...

i HOPE we get some more haiku. i never know whether to LAUGH or VOMIT when i read it.

3:24 PM

Mars said...

there was a lame blog
t'was all about censorship
it tried to stop us

3:26 PM

Dot said...

dude, are you truly free-style haiku-ing!!?!?
you're amazing. you're Vietnamese Lemongrass Chicken cucletki Bronte beach bloody amazing!

3:29 PM

Mars said...

i prefer tater-tots in cheltenham, to be honest...

hey, initials... how about like, a haiku MC thing? you know what i mean... like they do in 8 mile. i can diss yo mamma, and you can tell me i've got a fat ass...

OR SOMETHING. how bout it?

dot and i will get you started...

3:32 PM

Dot said...

cest moi? (ie said 'cest mmmmwya!') i'm European fancy too.

okay.

there once was a girl
who liked cooking and herself
was a love-in fest

3:36 PM

Mars said...

there once was a girl
who didn't like dot and mars
can you tell us why?

3:38 PM

Dot said...

the problem with them
is that they do not worship
the myth of JB

3:41 PM

Mars said...

she's a shit driver
who smokes marlboro reds (hardcore)
who would worship her?

3:44 PM

God, I didn't know I had such meanness in me. Which is why it's good to blog. It's important to expose one's own weaknesses, the areas in which one might be slightly judgmental. Then one can 'know thyself', and rein the bitch within.

Goodnight!

you know who you are
why you delete our comments?
we like doing it

AND YOU CAN'T STOP US!

Haiku for Mexie

this is getting old
when are you coming back, mole?
need a pash or ram

facebook i can't quit
one of you has just been stalked
do you want to know?

kthxbye

More great haiku. I think i have a flair. (You can think Initials JB for what's coming...)

then i had a sleep
all the haiku i thought of
stolen by the beer

I read an 'inspired' piece of 'poetry' this week, which made me want to write some of my own.


drink much wine alone
i wear jocks with cats on them
cry myself to sleep


And i'd like to dedicate this little ditty to all the 'drop-kicks' out there tonight. MUCH LOVE!

Sometimes, I Surprise Myself…

At Le Bernadin last Saturday night one of the dishes for the degustation, which wasn't anywhere to be found on the menu, was a pile of crispy-fried tater tots with ketchup served with a green salad and peas and asparagus and a piece of toast with blue-cheese spread on it. It was just so good that it was pretty much all I could think about this week. The delicate, clean-flavoured tater tots balancing with the interesting green salad, slightly tacky on the palate. I had to have it again! So last night, after days of consternating, after reading every known recipe and technique, after convincing myself I would fail abysmally, I went about recreating it…

And it turned out just about perfect.

Quality tater tots are not new to these shores, and at $1 per pound, $10 worth will give you a lot of very happy moments. While tomato sauce is the Chanel of Australian sauces, ketchup is perfect accompaniment to the American potato ‘gem’. I think ketchup is better with this dish than tomato sauce, it needs that red oomph, that macho-ness, as opposed to the delicate sweetness of tomato sauce.

It was as simple as opening the plastic packet, spreading the tater tots over a baking tray, dusting with a little kosher salt (although regular salt would be just as good), and placing in a pre-heated oven. While the little gems baked, I mixed my ‘salad mix’ greens with freshly cut tomatoes and tinned Spanish olives. Don't use kalamata olives as they are too flavoursome. The weak watery dullness of the Spanish olive is what you need so it can be overwhelmed by store brought Ranch dressing.

I then put some bread into the toaster, and some frozen peas into a microwave safe dish with a dash of tap water. I microwaved the peas for three minutes till they were pregnant with succulent green flavour. I repeated this process with the chopped up asparagus (yes, using the whole spear of asparagus, it didn’t taste too bad). Then the toast popped and I spread it with lashings of mouldy cheese.

After 20 minutes I peaked into the oven and I cannot tell you how excited I was. I squealed when I saw the golden gems through the oven door. Yes, I squealed. Anyone with a half-interest in cooking and/or food blogs will know how delicate the issue of tater tots are. They are the 'it' indulgence around the world. They are the loveliest, daintiest of fried frozen oily potato.

I quickly served all the elements together on a plate while the gems were still steaming. I enjoyed this dish with my favourite lager of the moment; Old Habour Pilsner. However, next time I may go for something a little richer, perhaps Old Habour Stout.

Because there will be many next times for home-baked tater tots with green salad and microwaved vegetables… oh la la!

I think most of us will agree with this sentiment...


SRSLY.

Mere Male

Australian Women’s Weekly wouldn’t print this one, so lucky I’ve got a blog to share my hilarious stories about men who try hard and fail (for women who love to patronize them).

MM sent his brother in Boston a birthday package in the mail last week, however he was dismayed when the package was returned ‘Address Unknown’. MM was confused as he’d sent the package to the exact address his brother had told him via text message. So MM phoned his brother.
‘Hahaha!’ His brother laughed, ‘Where did you send it?’
‘123 Urgay Ave… just like you told me,’ MM replied.
‘Think about it, dude... 1 2 3... U R GAY.’

He sure is... (in the post-post-modern post-p.c. sense of the word)

I need more pashing and ramming in my life.

Ralph Macchio FAQ


How old was Ralph Macchio when he starred in Karate Kid I?

Ralph was actually born in 1961, making him around 22-23 years old when he played the lead role of Daniel in Karate Kid. So really... maybe they should have called it Karate Man. Ha-dee-ha!


Ralph was such a good-looking kid, ahem, young adult... why haven't we seen him in any other films except the Karate Kid sequels?

Because unfortunately Ralph grew up to become Tom Hanks, and Hollywood didn't need another one of those.

the correspondence years...

a note that I quickly scrawled on a scrap of paper and left at the table we were sitting at:

Dear Franny's,
Great place! Amazing food, wonderful service. However, we were not so impressed by the "short five to ten minute wait" we were greeted with. We can SEE it's just a scam to get people to drop some extra bucks on drinks at the bar before being seated.
With about two/thirds of restaurant empty when we arrived it seems ridiculous to make people wait at the crowded bar (where they feel pressured into buying cocktails they don't want). An explanation would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Dot & Friend


a hasty reply via email:

Dot,
I am very sorry that you felt you were scammed at franny's. I do assure you though that we do not scam people in order to make extra money at the bar. Because we do not take reservations there is indeed times when people will have to wait for a table even when there are some open. Restaurants that take reservations can control the pace of seating and amount of orders that go to the kitchen. Because we do not take reservations it is more difficult for us to control this pace and ensure quality when we have a high volume evening. When our our garden is open we add an extra twenty seats to the restaurant and the kitchen does not gain any extra space in order to prepare food, so therefore we must slow the pace of seating. This is one of the occasions on which the host is instructed to go on a 5 or 10 minute wait in order to give the kitchen some time to prepare all of the orders that have come in. The other occasion that the host will be on a wait while there are open tables is when several tables are open at once and she has find all of the people on her wait list and seat them in order. I'm glad that you like franny's and enjoyed the food and service. I'm sorry that the host didn't give you this explanations herself, but it is often difficult to do this with every guest, as it usually just causes confusion. I hope you'll accept our apology, but also our explanation and that we'll see you again soon.
Best,
Sarah G.
General Manager


blah blah blah! still, i felt like i'd been a bit harsh so sent Sarah a more thoughtful reply:

Dear Sarah,
It seems I jumped to the wrong conclusion. Your explanation of the staggered seating makes perfect sense. I'm sorry about the note I left, I'm sure I was just drunk (having started the evening with a large cocktail on an empty stomach).
Sincerely,
Dot

Why I love American consumerism...

Netflixs. We don't have anything like this in Australia, do we? Oh, okay, I just checked. Apparently there's Homescreen, Quickflix and FetchMeMovies, but they're not very good yet (too slow delivery service is the main complaint). Anyway, maybe everyone already knows about this but I'll explain anyway... Netflix is an online DVD rental store where you select DVD's as part of a subscription and they are sent to you in the post. After viewing the DVD, you place the disc into the provided reply envelope and it is sent back to the provider. Netflix will then send your next requested DVD (you have an online 'list' that you can add to and change). The reason I love Netflixs so much is the choice. They have everything: all 80s teen films, 70s sci-fi, documentary, foreign, television... everything! Suddenly I have access to all these movies I've heard about but never been able to access and I love it! Currently I've got a wish that's about 50 movies long. I can't watch them fast enough! Next in line: My Bodyguard.

Supermarkets. Trader Joes, Wholefoods, Fairway, Zabar's and Citarella... they put Safeway and Coles to shame. SHAME SHAME SHAME! I don't know where to begin trying to describe how yum these places are. I know there's some nice markets in Melbourne, but I lived in CHELTENHAM. You can't get fresh rabbits in Cheltenham. You can get duck eggs in Cheltenham. You can't get gefilte fish, knishes, blintzes, REAL bagels, and foie gras. You can't get one million different kinds of cheeses, bread and beer! I'm a fatty and I'm eating it all.

Old Fashioned Diners. They are so cosy and comforting. I'm even partial to a Denny's or Waffle House when the mood is right (eg. when on long car trips stopping in nothing states in nothing towns where the waiter will still ask you 'smoking or non-smoking?'). The continual coffee refills are amazing.

Amazon. The price of shipping suddenly got a lot cheaper. Makes those 30 cent first edition sci-fi paperbacks seem like a real deal...


Why I dislike American consumerism...

Tipping. It's not that I'm against tipping. People need tips! Only, I just find it really embarrassing. Especially in cabs and hairdressers where you have to do the whole "oh, and make it $$ for you." Egh. It's something about placing a judgment in dollar value on someone's service to their face that seems so crude.

Service assistants. Waiters are fine. It's supermarket assistants that kill me!!! I've done my time in supermarkets (six years on the front line in a deli) and I know how bad it can get... but these people don't even say 'hello'. They don't say anything. They just look like they really really really want to die. And if you dare ask them a question you'll be lucky to get a single word bark for a reply. The floor staff at Macy's are also terrible.

Double bagging. Again, in the supermarkets they ALWAYS automatically DOUBLE BAG everything. It drives me crazy. This is just one bag-happy nation. It's truly disgusting. I watched incredulously the other day while a person in a store double bagged a single sketchbook. It's turning me into a green bag vigilante. And if I forget to take my green bag I've gotten into the habit of asking for 'no bag' and end up walking home with my arms full of groceries in a futile attempt to cut down on bags. Say no to plastic bags!

The bastardisation of Australia. Kookaburra licorice? Kangaroo sneakers? Wombat shampoo? Superficial Australian branding on mundane products in order to make them seem exotic (yet safe). Makes me want to vomit. Well, I suppose it doesn't bother me that much. It's just stupid is all. For example:

Wallaby. Organic. Dulce De Leche. Creamy Australian Style. Lowfat. (Made in Napa, Calif.)... and it tasted horrible!

And that's really all I've got to say about that.
Signing out Australian style,
Dot

Yeah yeah... well the weekend got off to a bit of a slow start, but managed to pick up pace fairly rapidly (only to end in a heap..). I think i was the only contestant in what ended up being the Mars Heineken Classic last night, so have endured a fairly savage hangover today.

Go me.

Last weekend, however, was far more civilised. The weather was a temperate 24 degrees and myself and three friends went up to Arthur's Seat to spend the afternoon stitting in the sun at a delightful winery, drinking un-cheap wine, and eating un-cheap (though quite delish) food...


In case i ever wondered why i live in Melbourne...


Yeah, this photo is fairly impressive when it's big. And it would have been even better if i had a half decent camera, cause you could actually see the city. Anyway, we finished off the job at one of my favourite Sunday afternoon drinking spots; the Mornington Pub.

Love it.

(and yes, my life is all about the booze, before you ask...)

Tonight, i saw this dude i used to know on Sale of the Century. It was completely unpredictable (i would say 'random' - BUT I FUCKING HATE THAT WORD)... Just by chance... i was at mum's and that show came on, i saw him and said "i bet that guy's name is Hugh". That was the first question out of pretty much all the rest that i got right... much to everyone else's frustration.

Anyway, the dude didn't win. (i did though.. haha)

Yeah, Friday night... 10.57pm and i'm not drunk. Now THAT'S 'completely unpredictable'.

It's mum's birthday tomorrow so i went to the shops tonight and wandered around aimlessly for an hour and a half. Decided to call it a day after i stopped looking for presents for mum all together, and started trying on dresses and shoes. Waste of fucking time cause i didn't buy anything at all, in the end.

Then i called past the Elwood Lounge on my way home for a quick drink with some people which was ok, i suppose.

And that's that.

Speaking of grey-areas…

I’ve been living in New York one week now and I’m already embroiled in an episode of Seinfeld.

It started with Blane and I being frugal New Yorkers and deciding to buy a mattress off Craigslist. I know, a second hand mattress is not the nicest beginning to our fairytale marriage… however a nice new thick mattress pad can spiff up any old mattress. And I’m not that proud anyway.

So after a few hard nights of sleeping on the floor ‘Elaine’ contacted us to say she was selling a full size mattress and box spring for $50; “Great condition!”

We went to her apartment on the fourth floor of a typical Upper West Side Walk up. The mattress actually seemed pretty good. Nice and firm, modern looking… We offered Elaine $40. Sold. A bargain?

Elaine was so pleased, “I’m moving to Tel Aviv and I’m so glad I don’t have to put this out on the street!”

Did we just pay $40 for a mattress that was headed for the street?

As we were carrying the mattress out I asked Elaine how old it was… “Oh… probably about fifteen years or so.”

Did we just pay $40 for a mattress that is FIFTEEN YEARS OLD?!?!?

We almost dropped the stupid mattress we were so shocked. But money had changed hands and we were out in the corridor. We hefted the stupid mattress down four flights of stairs in angry silence.

Exhausted, hot and frustrated we eventually got the mattress through the security door downstairs and leant it against the wall outside.

“Hey, you just broke that light!” A man hosing the footpath shouted at us.

We pulled the mattress back off the wall and saw it had bent a wall lamp behind it.

“Look! It’s broken!” The guy was really angry.

“Oh, it’s not really broken, the wires are still attached…” I said. At this stage Blane was busy hauling our stinky old mattress into the back of a hire van.

“That’s broken. What are you going to do about it?”

“Fix it…” The mattress and Blane were in the get-away-van. I ran over to them, and shouted behind me as I went, “We’ll come back and fix it!”

We thought we’d escaped.

But that dirty Wally of a man, who had nothing better to do than HOSE THE FOOTPATH, turned out to be the super of the building. And he was really pissed.

He contacted everyone in that apartment and found out who had sold the mattress and told Elaine she was responsible for “fixing the light.” Elaine obviously didn’t think she was responsible so she contacted us to “take responsibility.”

Elaine’s message wasn’t threatening. There’s was no mention of money or taking action. Rather she’s took the sinister moral high ground that digs at your conscious… She was nice:

I wouldn't worry too about it too much, though, because the damage seems slight. The light itself is still working. It's just hanging down by its wires and probably needs to be reattached…

And then Elaine moved overseas and her friend, George moved into her apartment and has taken up the cause:

Please call the landlord to discuss the situation so that my friend Elaine, from whom you bought the mattress, is not held responsible for the damage… Again, we are sorry this happened to you. We hope you will take responsibility for the situation.

Is it a trick? If I were Elaine I would never take responsibility for damage done by someone I didn’t even know. Particularly if I left the country. She’s not going to “take responsibility” for it is she? Because isn’t it the Super’s job it fix stuff like this??!!?

And so, the episode that began with Blane and I being too greedy for a deal that turned out not to be a deal that turned into a stink, ends with us sleeping on a fifteen year old mattress living in fear when an ‘unknown number’ rings.

But I’m not taking responsibility and you can’t make me.

So, Mars... quit your job?

Moved out of Cheltenham?

Committed to trip overseas?

I just know you're up to something...

Two funny words, together, on the side of a van...

my name is Dot and it's been 24 hours since i last bought something on ebay...

i began ebaying only one month ago. i was moving overseas and it seemed like a good idea to sell, rather than store, my stuff and try and make a little money.

i sold 10 items on ebay - books, shoes, clothes - and made about $100. i decided 'selling' wasn't really worth the time involved.

'buying' on the other hand...

i can't stop trawling through the selling pages! i can't stop bidding! i keep winning items i don't expect to win! items i don't need! items that are being sent to my home address in Australia that i won't be able to pick up for months!

i keep telling myself 'it's okay to bid at THAT price because if you win the item it's a total STEAL... and if you loose it, well, no harm done.'

i can't stop!

my latest purchase... $15!!!!

brown wool Cue dress.
i know this dress came out last winter and i know it cost about $150 at the time.
i tried it on in the store and it's a great fit.
i like the idea of being a brown blip in a sea of grey grey grey swing tops and dresses.
i want it! i have it! it's mine! i want it!

you. can't. stop. me. cause. i. like. consuming.

Dot,

Two days, no internet communication.

Have you fallen over and can't get up?

Concerned.

Mars

WELL WELL WELL.... look what i've stumbled across HERE!



it looks like a geek-convention.... and i don't seem to have been invited.



LOOKING FORWARD TO OCTOBER 2009



*outraged*

Craigslist Hall of Shame

"So you wanna sell stuff on CL huh??? Well good for you pal. You are well on the way to cleaning out that house and lining those pockets with some spending money! I would even venture to bet that you already have visions of that small fortune you think you're going to make, spent on the next gizmo that will end up on CL 6 months from now at 90% of retail."

This post is dedicated to Marko from Rochester... I feel your pain.

I've been addicted to New York Craigslist the past two weeks. It's a free online Trading Post. I think it started in San Francisco, but has blossomed all over America now. It's like E-Bay only without all those horrible fees, bidding and controls... Yay, America! The land of the free (market)!

I started out looking just to see what options there are for furnishing an apartment on the cheap when Blane and I move to New York next month... however, my Craigslist experience has since morphed into a zombie car crash psychological thriller can-not-look-away perve into New York City apartment life.

Looking at the furniture listings is to sneak inside the smallest junk filled apartments out there. People have no space, they own way too much stuff... and they have over-inflated ideas of what their crap is worth.

So, in recognition of all these money hungry nuffs I present... The Craigslist Hall of Shame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here are the images of things being 'sold' that best represent the greedy idiots of the Craigslist world...

Runner Up - Excessive Junk in Image (Asking $100 for table)

So are the golf clubs included? - Ed.

Runner Up - Excessive Junk in Image (Asking $80 for shelves)
The teddy bears? The fairy picture? Girly, you're just inviting pedophiles into your home with this image. -Ed.

Winner - Excessive Junk in Image (Asking $50 for 'wall unit')
Jesus! A deserving winner! I can't even see what's being sold for all the junk in the picture. -Ed.

Runner Up - Asking too Much for Shit Piece of Furniture ($200 for bed base)

Antique? As new condition? Make your mind up! If people have $200 to spend on a single bed base then they're going to be shopping for something new... - Ed.

Runner Up - Asking too Much for Shit Piece of Furniture ($100 for 'danish style veneer cabinet retro')

You didn't even bother to wipe the dust of the top of the cabinet you piece of shit... - Ed.

Winner - Asking too Much for Shit Piece of Furniture ($150 for 'great couch, great condition')

It looks CRAP! I wouldn't even want to touch it to move it to the street corner. - Ed.

Winner - What Is It You're Actually Selling? ($50 for 'bookshelf')

I guess it's like a magic eye puzzle. Oh, yeah, I get it... a bookshelf! - Ed.

Winner - This Piece of Furniture Comes From A Non-Pet-Free Home ($100 for ottoman)

Not everyone thinks your dog is cute. - Ed.

Great job everyone on making the Craigslist Hall of Shame!
But next time remember, if you actually want to sell your SHIT on Craigslist at least make the effort to present it nicely. Take a good photo of the object - clear lighting, clear background... and for-dogs-sake... no puppies in the picture!!!!!